New (and final we hope) rewrite. Cut almost 200 words and it’s still over 450, but I think that this story needs a paragraph of context so I’m not sure I can cut more. Open to suggestions!
Dear Agent,
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’d like to find representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel. THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is about a bright young woman’s exit from a modern fundamentalist church. The perspectives of three women, entangled with the church, are pillared by seven standalone stories—disturbing, macabre, heroic—of women in the Bible.
Abigail Murdy works as a personal assistant to the fiery pastor of a church in Natagwa, Colorado, where men are invested with absolute authority and women don’t even pray aloud—because (as Eve’s apple episode proves) women are easy to deceive. Her intelligence may be a gift, but it won’t put a jewel in her eternal crown or help with her divine calling to marriage and motherhood. Abby is acutely aware that her inability to conceive isn’t helping with motherhood either.
Abby’s sympathetic husband allows her to enroll in classes at a nearby university and she finds herself suddenly living in dual worlds. At school she’s rapacious, wonderstruck, and comically naive. At home, her tiny rebellions begin to threaten both her marriage and job. Abby discovers that her pastor’s shady investments are behind the church’s financial crisis, and when she’s ultimately forced to choose between her community and her degree, it will be an unexpected alliance (of the feminine kind) that carries her through the open door.
THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships, both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
The story is based on a real brand of American fundamentalism with millions of followers, which was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. Interest in those programs and the publication of related memoirs seem to indicate a market for stories of people, who like me, broke away and are “deconstructing.” I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children. I believed in absolute male authority, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. [Comps here.]
Today I am a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and live in Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Oh! Look at you go. I think this has really taken shape. I went ahead and made some suggested edits to help with the word count. Obviously take or leave! And I have a couple questions within too:
Dear Agent,
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’m seeking representation for my 92,000-word literary fiction novel. THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND [I’M DIGGING THE NEW TITLE] is about a bright young woman’s exit from a modern fundamentalist church. The perspectives of three women, entangled with the church, are pillared by seven standalone stories—disturbing, macabre, heroic—of women in the Bible. [THIS JUST MADE ME THINK, IS THE BOOK TOLD FROM THREE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES?]
Abigail Murdy serves as the personal assistant to the pastor of a church in Natagwa, Colorado, where men wield absolute authority and women are silenced, even in prayer. Her intelligence is a gift, but it won’t help with her divine calling to marriage and motherhood, an issue compounded by her inability to conceive.
[WHAT’S HER MOTIVATION FOR ATTENDING SCHOOL? WHAT WAS SHE CURIOUS ENOUGH ABOUT TO GO AGAINST THE GRAIN?]
When Abby’s sympathetic husband allows her to enroll in university classes, she finds herself living in dual worlds. At school, she’s rapacious, wonderstruck, and comically naive. At home, her tiny rebellions [AGAINST CHURCH DOCTRINE?] begin to threaten both her marriage and job. After Abby discovers her pastor’s involvement in the church’s financial crisis, she’s forced to choose: her community or her degree. An unexpected alliance carries her through the open door.
THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships, both ancient and modern.
The story is based on a real brand of American fundamentalism showcased in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary Shiny, Happy, People. Widespread interest in these programs and the publication of similar memoirs suggest a growing market for “deconstructionist” stories.
I once believed women were limited to two callings: marriage and children. I also believed in absolute male authority, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance. I witnessed healings and exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. [Comps here.]
Today, I live in Bologna, Italy, where I am a graphic designer and co-founder of a tech company. Recently, one of my short stories was published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse, while two others were longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Wow this is awesome! And I totally want to read it! I would, truthfully, put the accolade this manuscript has received near the top, where you state the title name. I don't even know if this is status-quo or not, I just know that it piqued my attention but didn't want to get to the end to see it. Also, I really like Erin's feedback and I second the questions -- about going against the grain, etc. <3 great job, this is great! :D
Thanks to Allison and Erin for the great feedback. Very helpful to know what wasn’t clear. Also just good to rewrite it and rewrite it. I think this version is much improved. It will probably answer your questions better but is probably too long. I think it’s supposed to be in the neighborhood of 450 and this is closer to 600. Of course, the question is always whether the extra length is worth it in some cases.
I cut the bit about the donuts and think that was a good call, but the thing is that the book has a lot of low-key humor and I’m worried it just sounds heavy. So I guess I just say that out loud. But I don’t think the tone of the book comes through in the letter. Maybe that’s okay.
Literary fiction actually is the genre, which is to say it doesn’t fit neatly in any sub genre, except maybe upmarket and/or women’s and it’s probably my own baggage but I have so dislike the idea of “women’s” fiction. It feels infantilizing. But then again, with this rewrite of the query, it’s sounding a lot like it should be on a shelf for women’s lit. I just freakin’ hate that there’s no men’s lit shelf. Is there? Did I miss that shelf?
I really love the idea of putting the autobiographical part up front (thanks for the creativity Sarah!), I get why that’s interesting. But I feel like feel like reader’s aren’t going to get that up front so maybe the agent shouldn’t either. The story summary has to be compelling or I need to rewrite the letter until it is. That’s why I need you all.
So here we go, version two:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a modern fundamentalist church in a depressed Colorado town.
Abby is a young secretary who works for Grace Tabernacle Church, but feels like an outsider because she can’t have children, and because her only real gift is a voracious appetite for learning—an ability with no eternal or practical value, since women are called by God to marriage and motherhood.
After years of secretly dreaming about a nearby university, Abby is permitted to take classes by her husband, mostly out of compassion because God has closed her womb. He does so in spite of disapproval from Abby’s boss, Big Dave, the founder and pastor of Grace Tabernacle, who does not think young women should be wandering around liberal campuses, “cesspools of secular humanism,” spiritually unprotected.
For four years, Abby finds herself in a sometimes funny, sometimes terrifying no woman’s land between two worlds. To her classmates, she seems like a girl just emerging from a lifetime in a bomb shelter. To her husband and Big Dave, she seems hellbent on risking her faith. And in fact, Abby is lying to them both about taking secular religion courses, which her husband expressly forbid.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate Big Dave and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, her standing, and her job. When Big Dave finally gives her an ultimatum, she is forced to choose between the only community she’s ever known and the classes that give her soul oxygen.
Abby’s journey overlaps with that of Nolie, a defiant teen who is grieving the loss of her grandmother and who is forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother. Nolie finds a desperately needed maternal figure in Tikvah, the older owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town. Tikvah, who has been isolated for years as a black non-Christian woman in a white fundamentalist town, needs Nolie just as much.
An unexpected connection between Nolie, Tikvah and Abby will give each the courage to do what they need to do. The points of view of these three women are layered with heartbreaking and heroic stories of biblical women—stories ignored or misused by fundamentalist churches like Abby’s.
GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
There appears to be a market for stories about modern American fundamentalism, given multiple recent memoirs [list here]. Interest in this brand of fundamentalism, with followers in the millions, drove the Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The church in GULLIBLE is based on the movement featured in Shiny Happy People, which I was raised in. Themes like the absolute authority of men over communities and homes, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance, are important to thousands of people who, like me, are “deconstructing.”
Abby’s story is similar to my own. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment.
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Hi! There's so much good stuff here! I'm going to take some time with it and post my thoughts/comments in a bit, but I just want to say this violin line "GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings." is INCREDIBLE!!!
Hi again! I really hope its OK that I did some line edits--its the best way for my brain to think through the material. I used about 99% of your original content because its yours, and the letter needs to sound like you1! Please, please feel free to take whatever works for you and leave the rest. I totally respect the fact that you know your book and story best. These are just some suggestions that I think could help you make that story more clear to an agent.
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’m seeking representation for my novel (92,000 words), GULLIBLE, which explores spiritual warfare, nationalism, the celebration of ignorance, and the absolute authority of men in the modern American fundamentalist movement. This story is told through the perspective of three, very different women and weaves in heartbreaking and heroic stories of biblical women that are often ignored or misused by *religious leaders? priests? people in power?*. Interest in this brand of fundamentalism, with followers in the millions, drove the Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as the recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People (which took place in the same church I was raised in). My work of literary fiction will appeal to the readers of XYZ comps for ABC reasons (I like memoir or auto-fic for your comps as well as lit-fic).
Abby is a young devotee of and secretary at Grace Tabernacle Church in the depressing town of X in Colorado. She feels like an outsider because she can’t have children, and because her only real gift is a voracious appetite for learning—an ability with no eternal or practical value because women are called by God to marriage and motherhood. Since she can only do one of those things, her husband reluctantly allows her to attend classes at a nearby University. For four years, she wanders around the liberal campus spiritually unprotected and finding herself in the sometimes humorous, sometimes terrifying no woman’s land between worlds. To her classmates, she seems like a girl just emerging from a lifetime in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, Big Dave, she seems hellbent on risking her faith, which is now being challenged in the secular religious course she was forbidden to take.
**Notes with new material** I think you need to now introduce Nolie and Tikvah and how they tie into Abby’s story. Try to trim down the description of each character into 1-2 sentences that tie all three together and establish how their relationship moves the story forward. For instance:
"Abby’s path crosses with Nolie, who is dragged to Grace Tabernacle Church by her iron-fisted mother, and Tikvah, who is the town’s only Black, non-christian woman who owns a mystical store that threatens the spiritual health of the community. The three women find they have X in common, and conspire to do Y thing. Or the three women form an unlikely friendship, and when Abby finds financial irregularities that implicate Big Dave and can take down the whole church, she relies on the courage of both her new friends, and the forgotten stories of courageous women in the bible, to expose the church at the cost of her place in it." *Answer here: What is the connection and what do they each need to do?*
Each new lesson she learns from her classes, her friends, and now, herself, threatens her marriage, her job, and her social and spiritual standing. When Big Dave finally gives her an ultimatum (what is the ultimatum?), she is forced to choose between the only community she’s ever known and a new version of herself that gives her soul oxygen. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, the dangers of curiosity and discovering the truth, and the power of communities of women, both ancient and modern, who form friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
Abby’s story is similar to my own. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church where I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. Eventually, after "deconstructing" from these practices, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
I kept a few of the ideas and re-worked them, which is obviously what you intended. Rewrite just posted. I’m not part of a writing group and I wish I was!
Thanks Allison, I'll see what I can integrate. One thing to keep in mind, not just with the feedback to my letter but with all the letters that most guidelines for query letters suggest including only 1-2 paragraphs (250-300 words) summarizing the story. The entire letter should be in the neighborhood of 450 words—mine was already too long at around 570. Yours is even longer :) The letter is really meant to just pique interest, and obviously one of the hardest things about the letter is write just enough to do that. There are always going to be a lot of unanswered questions. Hopefully, the letter does a good enough job of setting up the story that the agent wants to dig into the MS for details.
Hi! I'm not sure where your first comment went about the line edits (I have it in an email), but apologies for over-stepping. I'm part of another writing group where this is common practice so we can see how the words can work in a different way. Its meant to be more of an example rather than a dictum/re-write but I should have waited to hear if you were OK with line edits before posting them! I'm happy to take the comment down if you feel it doesn't serve you.
I actually deleted my comment because I realized I was overreacting, and that there were things you did in your re-write that made sense to me (that would have taken too long to spell out). I can completely understand that it’s easier to think through the letter that way. I was wrong and hoped to delete it before you saw it.
Firstly, I've been meaning to tell you I think you're right to change the name. GULLIBLE feels a bit unfair to members of cults. There's ample evidence that we're all vulnerable to this type of manipulation - that's what makes it so fascinating, and frightening! Don't self-deprecate, don't weaken your characters. They're not stupid. They're brain-washed, and oh how we want them to find their way out!
Secondly, regarding genre, if I were you, I'd just call it general literary fiction. If you want to give it a sub-genre, I think there's nothing wrong with calling it upmarket women's fiction (I say this, of course, because this is what I'm doing with mine). It can ANGLE TOWARD women's themes like women finding their direction in life, or freedom from misogyny etc, but that doesn't make it a fluffy bunch of chicklit. Or a romance. Just call it upmarket and I think you're golden.
As for your latest version of the query, once again, it promises a lot of depth and drama. Abby's struggle, and her antagonists, are absolutely clear. My only critique is (and I know how miserable this is) it needs to be shorter. But what do you take out? Ah, the eternal pain of a writer trying to write queries and synopses!!!
I'd challenge yourself to condense Abby's introductory paragraphs to just one. (Excruciating, I know.) I think by instinct we all fall back to showing, not telling, but that requires screeds and screeds of context, which unfortunately is just going to bog down a query. I think when a query floods the reader with details, it stops selling and turns itself into a job to read it. In shortening this, yes, you will find yourself telling more than showing, but a more compact format will make sure the agent stays with you, and makes it to all the other reasons your sample pages are a must-read.
Again, this is all just my opinion! Your novel sounds fascinating.
Yep, you’re absolutely right. I need to cut it down a lot and I can do that. I agree with your point about Gullible as a title (which I’m definitely going to change) and most people would probably take the title the way you did. But it’s actually a reference to something the pastor says, which all the men I knew growing up believed, which is that women are more spiritually weak and easily deceived than men. It’s one of the reasons why all authority is given to men and women don’t make decisions for their families. Abby’s pastor says women are more gullible by nature and the title was a reference to that. No one would know that until they read the book, of course. I realized the title needed to change when Courtney started talking about how the title should feel like the book. If it’s a funny book or an odd book, the title should feel that way. I had just been thinking that the title should be pithy and something you could slap on a movie :)
Oh no, now I love ‘Gullible’ as a title, knowing this link. If there is an organic (and quick) way to incorporate this into your query, I’d keep it. (But how do you do that when you’re already trying to shorten it?) I guess I’m not really helping, just telling you my thoughts!
I love that "Gullible" is a play on the men instead of the women, but I agree with Sarah that it doesn't come across without some mention in the letter. Does it also center the men too much too? Something like "Gospel Ain't for the Gullible" comes to mind as a sort of commentary/reclamation for the women in the story. Or maybe including "Deconstructing" somehow? I think that's a really powerful concept.
Take it or leave it, but when you explained what you meant by Gullible as the title, the word/the verb "Deceived" stuck out to me. The women aren't weak. They've been actively deceived.
I was thinking today about a longer title, maybe something old fashioned like “The More Gullible Nature of the Feminine Kind.” It’s not a quote from anything. It almost sounds like a medical article from the 1800s or something. After I thought of it I Googled “Feminine Kind” which had so few results, Google thought it was a mistake. Turns out it’s a phrase used in a Thomas Hardy novel, FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD (I loved the movie). I don’t know why I’m kind of drawn to style of the longer titles from a century ago. Although using it three times in a query letter would be hilarious.
There is also a phrase from a section of dialogue that I like. “Under All That Virtue” I’m tempted to explain it but am curious how it sounds to you all out of context.
Hey writing friends, sorry I've been slack with feedback over the last few days - I'm extremely time poor for the next week or so - but I wanted to jump on quickly to recommend Save the Cat Writes a Novel: https://www.amazon.com/Save-Cat-Writes-Novel-Writing/dp/0399579745
There's even an audiobook of it on Spotify, for free if you have the right kind of membership!
Chapter 14 is all about loglines and pitches, including formulas! I'm not sure if I'll use the set template it suggests, but if you're struggling to condense your novel, this could be the key!
Hoping to catch up on all your brilliant queries ASAP. Keep up the good work, writers :)
Will be reading yours over the next few days. Here's mine.
Greetings Agent,
[Agent specific reason for writing]
Feeling stuck personally and professionally, sewage engineer Úna Sé takes a short term gig in Nepal. Her husband surprises her by suggesting she open her side of their marriage while she’s gone. Sparks ignite with Andrew rather than in her career, and he doesn’t want to be just a travel memory.
Can one busy woman have two simultaneous love stories while getting the kids fed and to bed?
Never Done is a lighthearted ‘what if’ about the logistics of polyamory, professional ambition, and parenting inspired by conversations at book clubs and moms night outs. It’s 85,000 word women’s fiction aimed at readers who enjoyed Other People's Houses by Abbi Waxman and Where’d You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple. [I think Mhairi McFarlane would be a good comp writer; warm humor and sparky attraction between well intentioned but imperfect people. Check in to jenny colgan and maybe marian keyes]
Bio: I’m a ringleader in a mama biker gang here in Seattle where I pedal my children over the hills and through the drizzle.
So glad you posted! First of all, I’m down with this subject matter and think it has so much potential to be the right amount of scandalous and funny.
My initial feeling is that you need another sentence or two in the summary part of the letter. I’m a huge fan of brevity but feel like there isn’t quite a enough there for me to know what I’d be getting.
Because you don’t mention the husband’s name, I thought at first that Andrew was her husband and had to re-read the sentence. I think you might need to explicitly say, “she meets Andrew, a [swell ostrich farmer] and sparks ignite, but he doesn’t…” I also think it might be good to at least give a tiny hint what the husband’s reaction is, since the whole story is set up as his idea. More than anything need a more clear sense of what Úna Sé’s challenge is. I assume it’s deeper than just not having time for two men and kids? Or is it that she’s unsatisfied with both men? What does she want and what is standing in her way? Is there jealousy, regret, awakened passion? The setting is great, her name and profession are super interesting. I just want to know where the tension is.
Some of that could also be used for a violin line. I’m not sure if you were in the workshop, so let me know if that’s not a term you’ve heard before.
Hope that’s helpful. Also I love Seattle and think a biker mom gang sounds amazing.
I agree with Daniela. I love the premise and am so intrigued about the short-term gig in Nepal and how she might try to make long-distance relationships work. Unless Andrew happens to be a colleague who travels with her on the short-term gig. I also had to do a double take on the name Andrew and a small descriptor, as Daniela suggested, would help clarify without too much real estate eaten up. And finally, I think I am left wondering, why did the husband want to open up the relationship? Can you hint at that? Had he found someone else? Were they both just feeling bored with one another?
I think I'm also left wondering about the question in the middle. One busy woman, juggling two relationships, caring for childen... what was missing in her life that led her to seek complication. I may not even be on the right track with this, but it feels, as Daniela said, that there's more to it than getting kids fed.
As always, if anything I've said creates more confusion than help, ignore!
I'm excited, too! Should be pretty straightforward, just post your letter when you're ready and people can respond with comments. There are three, maybe four others who wrote me privately and will posting letters soon. I will, too, but I haven't had a chance to revise mine since the workshop. Hope to have it up tomorrow. Feel free to repost your letter as many times as you want to revise it.
Okay! I just uploaded what I have done of mine — FINALLY! Feel free to rip it to shreds, friends. I’ve been so foggy the past few days (it was my goal to get this posted before the end of the week lol) I can’t remember if I’m missing something or not, haha. Always looking for more comp titles by the way... :)
Hi friends! Are we still active here? Things have been wild, but I’m hoping I can still give (& get) some feedback from my fellow query suffragettes. 😅
Hi Courtney! We definitely are. This week has been really full for some of us so there are three new revisions (I believe) that still need responses, including mine. I'll be sending off thoughts on the other new ones tonight (in Italy—so early afternoon for most everyone else. Except for Sarah, who is in New Zealand).
At any rate, please post your letter! Everyone who's been responding so far, has been both encouraging and honest, so I think it's been really helpful.
The only thing I'm not crazy about is the way comments are organized in substack, it can be hard to re-find things.
Agree. It's a bit hard to navigate and make sure I'm not missing everyone's updates. And my apologies for being a bit quiet. As you said, Daniela, just a bit of a crazy time at the moment. But would love to try and help others as possible.
Hi friends, would it be helpful if we found a different medium for sharing our query letters, for whoever is interested? Perhaps we could set up a google doc and allow comments from others? That way things won't get all jumbled? I'd be happy to help. Heading on over to the main thread right now. Thank you guys for being you <3
I think it would be brilliant. Sometimes when I get comments and I click on the link I just get sent to a pile of things with the new comment nowhere in sight. It was definitely not a good idea to do editing suggestions in Substack comments.
I think one doc could work. I'm going to add everyone's letters with revised versions to the doc. The comments will obviously stay in Substack. I won't get to it until tomorrow but I'll knock that out and let everyone know. Thanks for getting this started!
OK, I hope I'm getting closer! Based on everyone's really great feedback, I made some tweaks. I also missed my voice after reading it out loud a few times and pulled some of the lyrical back in. Let me know what you think! I also am workshopping my original title "Rebirth" with a new subtitle, so would love to know how that one flows. Also, comps? Thank you, thank you!!
Because I know you’re on the lookout for XYZ, I’m writing to you for representation for my book REBIRTH: A midwife’s guide on how to mend in a world that wants us to stay broken. This work merges inspirational and reported memoir, with cultural criticism and spiritual exploration. Is eclectic and genre-bending like In the Dreamhouse by Carmen Maria Machado; is a fresh and feminist take on the smash-hit This is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay; interrogates common power structures as in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith; and searches for the sacred through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and available upon request.
After an intense, 24-hour shift when I touched birth and was close to death at the same time, I decided enough was enough, I needed something to change. As a midwife with a decade-plus of experience in the Bronx, facing the urgent reproductive health crisis in the US day-in and day-out led me to a darkness I couldn’t escape. I was completely burnt out. I looked to alternative paths to healing such as time in nature, dabbling in astrology and tarot, and reading about witchcraft and Celtic mythology, which helped to reawaken the divine feminine within, but still wasn’t enough to overcome my feelings of worthlessness, exhaustion and anger.
Birth work was my calling, but at work cost? So, with nothing left to lose, and only myself to gain, I quit my job. Though 45% of healthcare workers report burnout, very few take time off to heal. I traveled into the unknown with no guide and very few tools. I was alone and terrified, but simply accepted the darkness and embarked on a spiritual journey that I hoped would set me free.
Organized into five phases that explore the process, transformation point and lasting spirit of my journey through burnout, I offer unique paths to healing in each chapter. I use myth as medicine by retelling stories of female archetypes; seek connection, even in taboo forms like the placenta; look to the natural world and art forms, like Kintsugi, as inspiration on how to mend; discover the sacred through stillness and solitude, and much more. At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of culture and inheritance, and a spiritual exploration, REBIRTH is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
Sorry I’m just getting to this. It’s been a crazy week. I can feel what you’re talking about—the voice does sound more distinct. Overall, I think this one is your best yet. A couple of thoughts:
1. The comp paragraphs feels kind of overwhelming with four examples.
2. It’s my (very subjective) opinion that your earlier subtitle was stronger. But that might be more of a fundamental problem on my end with the idea of assigning mal-intent to the world as an entity. You might be writing to agents who only handle mystical and feminist work, but it’s my two cents that saying the world wants us to stay broken, is a really big thing to lob in a query letter where you don’t have time to explain it. But it’s also possible that this just isn’t my field.
3. I like the new personal experience paragraph a lot. It’s sharp and blends your experience with the situation in the US well, but worry that “enough is enough” is too cliche.
4. I think you meant “at what cost” rather than “at work cost”?
5. I liked “sublunary” in your previous draft and thought it was a really unique word to use. Sad to see it go.
6. Think it’s really good and important that you mentioned offering paths to healing in each chapter.
7. Your violin sentence feels a little too loaded down and overly packed :) It was stronger to me before.
Hi Daniela and fellow writers! What a fantastic idea it was to get together and support each other. Here’s my reworked query. All feedback is appreciated.
What’s with the redactions? This due to my mistrust in the internet, not you, my fellow supportive writers. They would point to a problematic former workplace, and I’ve decided not to post such details openly online.
Thank you all so much! Looking forward to returning the favour.
Dear [Agent],
Because I know you’re often looking for [customising detail], I'm writing to you seeking representation for my novel, [TITLE REDACTED] (book club fiction, 87,000 words).
They say time is a healer. What happens, then, if you don't want it?
Kristen is an optimistic but lonely [occupation redacted] living in contemporary Wellington, New Zealand. Devastated by the death of her soulmate, she went numb – and straight back to work. Right after the funeral, in fact. Now, at thirty-three, her employer announces they’ll soon close their doors, and she’s confronted by grief she thought she’d overcome. Isn’t she past this? Isn’t she fine?
As her crisis worsens, she’ll try anything to forget her grief. She’ll lose herself in Fiji, in Melbourne, in the breath-taking alpine city of Queenstown. She'll ignore the escalating behaviour of her abusive boyfriend. She’ll even hurt the only man who really cares, despite a growing attraction. Only the bottle, it seems, is her friend. Dark but hopeful, and peppered with humour, [NOVEL TITLE] follows the spiral of a formidable woman who must choose between self-destruction, or the impossible: facing her pain.
It blends Emily Perkins’ psychological realism in “Lionness” with the yearning undertones of “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt. It’s “Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine” by Gail Honeyman for readers who like a more edgy, worldly heroine.
I draw from my [past experience redacted]. My publication successes [hyperlinked] include other grief-themed fiction pieces, plus a wellbeing article in an international magazine. I’m a member of the New Zealand Society of Authors, attend a monthly critique group, and went to the Auckland Writers Festival 2024, engaging in workshops with critically-acclaimed authors Trent Dalton and Emily Perkins. I’ve passed certificates with distinction [hyperlinked] in creative writing and magazine journalism, and built a track record of competition wins and long-listings [hyperlinked].
In my current job as an airline pilot, I hold a long list of advanced aviation qualifications including a Diploma in Aviation (Level Six). I relished my time speaking in front of an audience during my time as a groundschool instructor.
If you’d like to see more, please contact me at [contact details redacted].
This is such a good rewrite. I remember reading this line before and I can’t remember what it was exactly, but I think it landed a little on the cliche side of things. This is much more interesting (hinting so deftly at grief, not being ready for sobriety and just hurting too much to imagine anything else):
| They say time is a healer. What happens, then, if you don't want it?
I love the tone in this “Isn’t she past this? Isn’t she fine?” Honestly, I don’t have any suggestions. Seems like a great length, it’s compelling. Where can I preorder?
I have to say I'm with Daniela on this. I found this so compelling. If I were an agent, I'd be like send me the pages! If I had to dig deep to find anything...
Now, at thirty-three, her employer announces they’ll soon close their doors, and she’s confronted by grief she thought she’d overcome. [What is it with the closing of the doors that makes her need to confront her grief? Is is something like "...close their doors. Suddenly, without the distraction of work, she's forced to confront the grief she thought she'd overcome.
And when you mentioned the boyfriend, I had to stop for a second. Just bc of the soulmate mention before, I think maybe even the addition of one word would have helped "me". She'll ignore the behavior of her new and abusive boyfriend...
But again, overall, I think this is fantastic. You got so much detail in so few words. Way to go!
I've been thinking more about your letter and a few ideas came to me. I hope the following examples/edits are helpful!
For the opener: "Can time heal the wounds of a pain that you ignore for years?" OR "Can time really heal all wounds if you choose to ignore the pain for years?" This to me is captivating, gives a good sense of what the story is about, and is more of an assertion instead of giving your authority as a writer away to someone else (ie, "They say...")
For the second paragraph: Similar to the example Courtney gave in class, I think you can use the "but at what cost" to great effect in your letter. Something along the lines of:
"Newly unemployed and with nothing but herself to loose, she tries to escape her haunting grief in Fiji, Melbourne, and idyllic Queenstown. She tries to forget her past love in a relationship with a new boyfriend who’s affections are now escalating into abuse. And she contends with the realization that the only person she’s willing to have feelings for is the person she is afraid she will hurt the most, her best friend. She picks up the bottle in a hopes to destroy it all--her life, her feelings--but at what cost to herself? Dark but hopeful, and peppered with humour, [NOVEL TITLE] follows the spiral into self-destruction of a once-optimistic woman who must choose between a lonely life of numbness, or the hope of a better one by doing the impossible: facing her pain from a broken heart [or whatever is the greatest source of her grief/pain/escape]".
Of course you don't need to use any of this at all! It was just something that helped what *I think* is the message of your story come across more clearly in my mind.
I totally understand wanting to respect your privacy! Luckily, it doesn’t take too much away from the query letter so hopefully we can provide some helpful feedback for you :)
My thoughts as I read through it a few times. Again, take whatever serves you and leave the rest! I’m rooting for you and your project:
—I think I understand what you’re trying to do with the opener, but I’m a bit confused with the “it”? I’m assuming you’re asking what you do if you don’t want to heal, in which case I’m not sure starting your letter with the “they say” or even that idiom is the strongest intro to your letter because it already sets up questions instead of packing the punch I think you’re hoping for. (what if this character (or agent) doesn’t agree that time heals all wounds?)
—why is Kristen described as “optimistic” if she’s also “devastated” and “numb”. I can’t get a sense of how she really feels with those seemingly conflicting descriptors, but then the rest of the tone of your letter makes me think she is anything but optimistic.
—how long has it been since her soul mate passed?
—why does her loosing her job bring up her grief again? And grief for what? I would be sure to connect those two more.
—isn’t she past what? why is she all of a sudden expected to be fine when she was just described as lonely, devastated and numb? And since we don’t have a sense of how much time has passed its hard to “judge” her grief and if she should be fine.
—is her crisis loosing her job? An identity crisis? Crisis of faith? grief?
—why is she now all of a sudden in all these other places (Fiji, Melbourne, Queenstown [swoon! I love it there])? She is traveling to escape her grief of what or who? Going on a bender and partying in all of these places? Following around her boyfriend? Doing an eat/pray/love type of situation?
—who are these other characters? The abusive boyfriend and man with the growing attraction? I think because we left her in the last paragraph devastated by the soul mate its surprising to have two other love interests come up in the next.
—I think we need a bit more plot and story before we jump into the violin line and setting up the stakes.
—how is she formidable? and what pain is she facing? Her soul mate still? her life falling apart? Being in a now-abusive relationship?
—I think your description of these comps aren’t helping you at all at this point because I don’t see the themes you want to draw out in your comps in your letter at all. I’m not saying they aren’t great for your book! But I just don’t see how they connect to your story at this point.
—your bio is really impressive! So cool that you’re a pilot, but I would trim that info down and tie it into your connection with the work (eg, Being an advanced airline pilot, I know a thing or two about finding every way possible to escape the pain of XYZ or some other tie-in and maybe trim the rest).
Overall I’m really intrigued by your story and really want to root for Kristen, but feel like I don’t know much about her. What is your story about—what universal truth does it speak to and that the reader will see themselves in? Substance use? Lack of coping for intense emotions such as grief and life-changes? The parallel universe of escapism? I also want to know what the stakes are for Kristen—what is she really searching for and what will she loose if she doesn’t get it? As of this moment I would say she’s struggling with substance use and about to hit rock bottom, but I’m really not sure. This may sound obvious, but spell it out for the agent loud and clear. Make sure they don’t walk away with any questions of “what is this book really about?” I’ve seen some folks say reveal anywhere between 40-70% of your book in the letter, and I feel like I’m walking away with about 20% of your book as it stands. I’m sure you have amazing material in your MS to work with! You’ll definitely get there and it sounds like a really important story to tell.
Daniela, Allison and Erin, thank you all so much for the feedback! I'll take some time to mull it all over, but I just wanted to say a huge thank you!!!
I'm so glad we have a space to workshop our queries in--thank you, Daniela, for your idea and initiative! I'm happy to kick us off since I stayed up way too late after class last Wednesday brainstorming ideas and then putting a new query together over the past few days. I also included some new titles and subtitles for the book that I'm considering--would love to know your thoughts on those as well. Please be as honest as possible! I have an idea of the areas where I'm still struggling, but can't keep looking at this letter and re-writing it haha. I appreciate the fresh eyes and perspective :)
Title options:
GRAVID, GRAVIDA
HYSTERIA, HYSTERICS, HYSTERICAL
BIRTH RIGHTS, BIRTH RITE
SMALL PART OF INFINITY
Subtitle options:
A midwife’s meditation on the inherited and lived complexities of womanhood
A midwife’s meditation on burnout as a lived and inherited experience for women and a path to healing
A midwife’s meditation on how burnout can birth/deliver women into a more connected way of being
How burnout from a broken world can deliver us into a better one
A midwife explores the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we need to reclaim it
A midwife heals her burnout by exploring the legacy of the past, confronting the present, and finding hope for the future
A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth
Query Letter:
TITLE: SUBTITLE merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. Organized in five sublunary phases, this work retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude and journeys through many more unique paths in healing. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
Today, in the United States, birth is getting more unsafe, Black women are 3-4x more likely to die than a white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. The statistics are dire, yet very little about this urgent health crisis has changed in the decade-plus that I have been a Midwife. The immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to a burnout that was dark and deep–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it.
I soon discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal from it–the place where I had nothing left to lose and the entirety of myself to gain and rediscover. By exploring the past, present and future of womanhood in its many forms, I transformed my burnout into a spiritual practice and reawakened the divine feminine within. I found myself, though, confronted with the question: Will this new-found path be enough to help me mend the broken system of birth so we can all be free?
At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a rebirth of self, TITLE is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
This is my first manuscript, but I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I’m currently taking some time away from clinical practice so I can try my best at being a new mom. I am savoring the quietude of nap time to spend time with my local writing community Westport Writes, and participate in online writing communities under the mentorship of Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
Alright, so I got drawn in and am going to leave a little feedback now. Obviously toss any feedback that you don’t find helpful. I think the violin line is fantastic. “Hymn of hope” is wonderful. The book idea in general is really compelling, love the idea of organizing the book according to five sublunary phases. My initial impression was very similar to Lia’s in that I think the letter would be stronger if you mentioned being a midwife immediately, especially given that this is a memoir hybrid.
It does seem like the letter would be better if it was tighter. You’re covering some of the same ground in three of the paragraphs. A guide to how to mend the world is so similar to mend the broken system. Same with unique path to healing and the place where I could heal from it. Maybe there is a way to organize those more succinctly. Also agreed with Lia that a couple of spots sounded almost apologetic, particularly “try my best.” The big life changes you made take courage, as does writing a novel and parenting. You’re doing all of it! Brag a little. I think you’re also missing a word in “powerless to [change] it” :)
Oh wait! I just realized that most of the subtitles mention being a midwife. That’s perfect. I don’t have any expertise in what kind of titles are ideal for which genres, I can only tell you what I like. I love Birth Rite. I’d pair that with “A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth” And honestly, I think this is so good, you might want to use it as an opening line “TITLE explores the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we need to reclaim it.”
Thank you so much for this!! I put the redundancy in to make it feel like the agent couldn't walk away with questions, but it can see how its too much. I'll tighten that up. I also love "A midwife's story of burnout and rebirth" as the subtitle, but I'm still so stuck on the title. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks so much for taking the time when you were signing off! I appreciate it :)
I wasn't able to attend the workshop, but wanted to share my thoughts after coming across this post. I really like the title options "Small Part of Infinity" and subtitle "How burnout from a broken world can deliver us into a better one" but perhaps adding midwife in, so it would be something like "Lessons from a midwife on how burnout from..." I find the statistics you cited to be very powerful. Your third and fourth paragraphs do an excellent job painting a vivid picture of the book's themes and content.
For the opening paragraph, you may want to consider tightening it up a bit or potentially separating out the title comparison details. And in that final paragraph, I'd encourage you to convey your confidence in this important project. Phrases like "but I have..." and "I can try..." seem a tad hesitant. If the postpartum group connection does indeed provide inspiration and keep you connected to this community, it could be impactful to highlight that.
Of course, I'm coming at this from more of a reader's perspective rather than an expert's. But I hope these suggestions spark some useful ideas as you continue refining your query. This is such an important topic, and I wish you the very best with landing an agent.
Thank you, Lia! These are great suggestions and I'll incorporate them into the letter. I didn't even realize how apologetic the last paragraph sounded, so thank you for pointing that out. I'm so attached to "Small Part of Infinity" as the title name, so I'm glad you like it. It pulls on a lot of strings in the book too, so that's why I may stick with it. I hope you can spend some time with the recorded version of class--it was great!
Titles are tough. After Courtney’s workshop, I've started to questions mine, too. Hmmph. When I read your new title choices, I was drawn to Birth Rite. To me, Small Part of Infinity somehow seems diminishing (at first glance). As a memoir, I wonder if a slight tweak to something like My Place in Infinity could work instead. Or Contributing to Infinity. Or Adding to Infinity. Obviously all slightly different connotations.
As for the subtitles, I lean with Lia on having midwife in it and something shorter. Like your “A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth.” Maybe a slight tweak to “A midwife’s journey through burnout, meditation, and rebirth” or as Lia said, I do like the “lessons” or similar. “How a midwife turned physical burnout into spiritual reclamation.” But maybe I’m muddying the waters. Just food for thought.
I've added more notes in-line. Hope any of it is helpful.
Query Letter:
TITLE: SUBTITLE merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. [I’D ADD A BREAK HERE JUST FOR READABILITY.]
Organized in five sublunary phases [LOVE THIS, AND AM WONDERING, HAVE I MARKED THE PHASES CORRECTLY? TO MY EYE, IT WAS EASIER TO SEPARATE WITH THE NUMBERS; BUT FEEL IS SHOULD GO AFTER THE HEALTHCARE AND BURNOUT STATS], this work [1] retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; [2] finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; [3] uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; [4] discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude and [5] journeys through many more unique paths in healing. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
[FOR ME, THE STATS ARE YOUR LEDE. I’D HAVE ONE SENTENCE WITH YOUR TITLE, GENRE, AND WORD COUNT, AND THEN LAUNCH RIGHT INTO THEM] Today, in the United States, birth is getting more unsafe. Black women are 3-4x more likely to die than white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy.
The statistics are dire, yet very little about this urgent health crisis has changed in the decade-plus that I have been a Midwife. The immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to a burnout that was dark and deep–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it. [I KNOW IN YOUR FIRST DRAFT FOR CLASS, YOU WERE ON A TRAIN, BUT WAS THERE A MOMENT THAT DAY WHEN YOU SAID ENOUGH’S ENOUGH?]
I soon discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal from it–the place where I had nothing left to lose and the entirety of myself to gain and rediscover. [BECAUSE YOU MENTION BURNOUT SEVERAL TIMES, I’D TRY TO FIND A WAY TO COMBINE/SHORTEN, ESPECIALLY AS THE SWEET SPOT FOR QUERY LETTERS SEEMS TO BE ~300-350 WORDS] By exploring the past, present and future of womanhood in its many forms, I transformed my burnout into a spiritual practice and reawakened the divine feminine within. I found myself, though, confronted with the question: Will this new-found path be enough to help me mend the broken system of birth so we can all be free?
At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a rebirth of self, TITLE is ultimately a hymn of hope [LOVE HYMN OF HOPE] that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
This is my first manuscript, but I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I’m currently taking some time away from clinical practice so I can try my best at being a new mom. I am savoring the quietude of nap time to spend time with my local writing community Westport Writes, and participate in online writing communities under the mentorship of Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
THERE’S SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN HERE, I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT TO CUT, BUT PERHAPS A BIT OF RESTRUCTURING MAY REVEAL THAT YOU CAN SAY MORE IN FEWER WORDS. STATS, BURNOUT TRANSFORMATION, SUBLUNAR PHASES...
Hello writers! You might have received an email but I wanted to comment here as well. Courtney brilliantly suggested moving the letters into a Google doc so we can keep them organized and find comments a little easier. I hope I didn't miss any when I copied them over. If you didn't get an email or a message from me, feel free to DM me.
Here is my letter. Hundred bucks says I wake up in the morning and hate this version:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary who knows more than she should about the secret lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university, she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise, an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging and trusting her own heart.
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts.
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart.
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.”
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
I agree with the comments about genre. This context is important, so I would include it in the introductory line.
It's a strong letter, but after mulling it over, I think breaking the rules about formatting would serve it well. When I read it was semi-autobiographical, it made me sit up. What would you think of something like this?
Dear so-and-so,
I'm seeking representation for GULLIBLE, a novel about [dadada details including genre].
I was in my mid twenties when I escaped my own oppressive church. Like my characters, I've witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I grew up believing women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women.
GULLIBLE follows three characters in a similarly cultish environment who .... dadadada.
This is just my idea, but to me, it establishes early that this isn't just an idea you thought up one day because it seemed dramatic. This is a nuanced story full of shocking and fascinating details, created by a former insider in the church. (Well done for making it out, by the way.)
The thing is that the book is a celebration of the main character’s almost accidental courage. It’s got some heavy, awful moments, but a lot of it is about the awkwardness of feeling like an alien who has never worn makeup and doesn’t know the difference between Groucho Marx and Karl Marx. So I feel like the title should communicate that. There is a bit of southern gothic feel (Flannery O’Connor not the blood and Spanish moss dripping from moonlit trees kind). And a number of the characters are either southern or come from uneducated backgrounds so the dialogue has a very rural blue collar feel to it.
Here is my letter. Hundred bucks says I wake up in the morning and hate this version:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary who knows more than she should about the secret lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university, she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise, an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging and trusting her own heart.
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts.
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart.
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.”
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
I took notes as I read, so here goes…take what works for you and leave the rest!
--First paragraph: is this upmarket, women’s fiction? Thriller? Historical fiction?
--Love the description of all three characters! Is this taking place at the present time?
--I would include some type of description about Abby that she is one of the cultish-church members, because it felt a little shocking to read “When Abby is permitted by her husband…” and specify the conflict between the worlds. You really want to make the stakes clear for Abby here, so what is she up against at school and at home? You don’t have to go into every detail, but give the agent a clear understanding of what the conflict is and what she has to lose if she doesn’t get it (stakes) as she navigates a new world, identity, exploration of knowledge etc.
I would give more details for “personal evolution”—is she planning on leaving the church? Joining a coven with Tikvah? Becoming a computer scientist or floral arranger?
--What tensions are rising and why? What’s the ultimatum and where does she want to belong—at school, with the church, with the other two female characters?
--I’m not clear what POV the book is written in. Is it an essay collection (“seven harrowing and gruesome stories”) and why are these stories described as such when the conflict seems to be that of search for identity for Abby?
--The donuts are funny, but surprising. I’m not sure that point of humor adds much or just begs more questions.
--I would tighten up the information about the fundamentalist movements. Are you using these as comps? Trying to draw out some themes your story addresses? I don't think this adds much.
--What happened to the other two characters you mentioned in the beginning, Tikvah and Nolie?
--Umm your bio is awesome and more of this needs to be in the query if any of your own experiences mentioned are part of the book!! A great connection to the material and I would really highlight the theme of “deconstructing” as central to Abby’s conflict. Oof, that’s powerful.
OK, so overall, I think its a good start, I LOVE your premise and think you have a lot of really great material to work with here, but there’s gotta be more specifics. For instance, I walk away with a general idea of what happens, but honestly I have more questions than answers right now and that’s not what you want to leave agents with (I keep thinking of the green, orange and red flags Courtney mentioned and asking myself “would an agent want to get up and get a cup of coffee right now?!” haha). What is the story?? There are some plot points, but I wouldn’t be able to say back to you what you want the reader to walk away with—what emotional investment or universal theme will people be able to relate to through your work and how (the plot) does your story convey those messages? I actually think your bio does a better job of making that clear. Definitely get more specific about the admin details like POV, voice (1st, 3rd), time etc. because it will help ground the agent in your material right away. Trim out whatever isn’t needed (Tikvah and Nolie for instance either need to be cut or developed more). What I found really helped was writing out my synopsis (I found this link https://publishingcrawl.com/p/how-to-write-a-1-page-synopsis really helpful!) because it forced me to say in very simple terms what my book is about. Then you can translate that back into a query letter that will be attention-grabbing and make the agent ask for more pages. Be sure to spend time on your violin line and bring us to a point in the story where our only question is “can we have more pages, please!” You’ve got this!!
I also don't want to comment on a title yet, because I want to understand the story better! But I'll keep thinking of comps for you!
You’re "hundred bucks" caveat made me laugh. And I’ll share my own: regarding my feedback, take it, leave it, tell me to go to hell, ask me to explain more!
I think there’s so much good with your letter (also, Allison's points are amazing; tough act to follow). You’ve got church secrets (are the powers that be not so righteous after all?), controlling family members, temptation, inner turmoil, and more! All very intriguing. But I do have questions and a couple suggestions…
After reading the whole letter and going back to the top, the first sentence throws me. Three women? But only Abby is really mentioned. I’ve made comments in line – in all caps so I can appear extra obnoxious. 😉
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel, GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church [MAYBE COULD REPLACE WITH “MODERN FUNDAMENTALIST CHURCH” TO HELP ESTABLISH THE TIME] in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary [TO WHOM?] who knows more than she should about the secret [NOT SO DEVOUT?] lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university [WHY DOES SHE WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL? WHAT IS SHE DESPERATE TO STUDY? DOES HE LET HER GO BECAUSE SHE’S GOING TO BE STUDYING RELIGION? WHAT’S THE CATALYST? I KNOW, A LOT OF QUESTIONS, WHICH REALLY ARE MORE PROMPTS, NOT EXPECTING ANSWERS TO ALL RIGHT HERE], she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss [AGAIN, WHO IS THIS PERSON?], she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder [IS THIS HER BOSS?] and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise [DOES SHE REVEAL THE SECRETS SHE’S UNCOVERED TO THE “WRONG” PERSON?], an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging [TO HER CHURCH COMMUNITY?] and trusting her own heart [TO BREAK FREE?].
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women [I’M INTRIGUED BY THE SEVEN STORIES, BUT ALSO AM QUESTIONING, ARE THESE STORIES SHE LEARNED AT CHURCH? OR AT UNIVERSITY? WHAT IS THEIR PLACE IN THE OVERALL STORY?]. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts [I AGREE WITH ALLISON, I’M NOT SURE THE DONUTS FIT HERE. ALSO AT THIS POINT, I’M WONDERING, WHAT HAPPENED TO TIKVA AND NOLIE? THIS FEELS WAY MORE LIKE ABBY’S STORY. ARE THEY THE FRIENDS IN THE “FRIENDSHIP”?].
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart. [B/C EDUCATION CHALLENGES FAITH?]
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.” [I FIND THIS SUPER INTERESTING WAS ALSO THROWN A BIT BY THE “PARTIALLY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.” WONDERING IF YOU COULD SIMPLY START WITH, “IN MY MID-TWENTIES, I FINALLY MADE IT OUT OF ‘THE’ CHURCH…” AND RATHER THAN SAY IT’S PARTIALLY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL, SIMPLY TALK OF YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE SUBJECT MATTER.]
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions. [RIGHT ON TO ALL OF THIS!]
😂 I feel you. I reread my post from yesterday and I had all sorts of fragmented words and extra apostrophes. Don’t know about you but late at night is my only option at the moment.
Here's another go! Would love to know if I've headed in the right direction (so hard to do in such limited space, as you know)... ack! Thank you!
Dear [Agent First Name],
Given your interest in unique memoirs [insert personal note], I’m excited to share my 91,000-word mixed-genre memoir THE BRAT AND THE BULLFIGHTER. Crafted with elements of fiction, it weaves together the coming-of-age stories of both a horse and a human, told from alternating perspectives. Imagine a contemporary Black Beauty meets cult favorite My So-Called Life.
Well-bred and well-traveled, Artilheiro was out of my league. Yet, when we met, I felt an instant connection. As an Army brat, I had lived in two countries, five states, and nine houses before age nine. By the same age, Artilheiro had lived in two countries, three states, and countless barns. Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse.
Artilheiro, a spirited Lusitano stallion, dreams of becoming a bullfighter. However, after he travels from his breeding farm in Brazil to an exclusive Florida auction and a private ranch in California, he realizes his fate is beyond his control. When a revolving door of riders turns his innate confidence into problematic behavior, he’s sold and moved, once again without a choice. Artilheiro’s path mirrors my own, from an introverted girl, buffeted by countless relocations, to a restless woman, unable to settle until, finally, I reunite with a childhood love: horses.
Our intertwined narratives explore shared struggles with identity, loss, and displacement, as well as the profound human-animal bond and power of resilience. My passion is to advocate for greater empathy toward horses, who suffer daily psychological trauma when misunderstood, misjudged, and mislabeled, while also shedding light on the often-tumultuous Army brat experience. Despite 15 million military brats in the U.S., including Reese Witherspoon, Annie Leibovitz, and Michael Stipe, our stories are conspicuously absent from the market. My book will help fill this gap.
I have owned horses for 24 years and written for high-tech companies for 26, with articles appearing in SecurityWeek and Security Magazine. Similar to the human-horse connections depicted in Chosen by a Horse (Susan Richards) and Horse Crazy (Sarah Maslin Nir), my book will resonate with readers who understand the healing power of horses or have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider.
Hi Erin! I love this query! Please take my "two-cents" as not even two cents, rather a grain of minuscule salt. I am still so new at this process.
First of all, I love your description of your plot, and I think you have a great narrative arc here. I am wondering what it means when you say, "out of your league" -- is this a romantic love story? Or a platonic one? And, what makes him out of your league?
I am unsure of the word count here, but if you needed to shave it down [that's always my problem, I'm sorry if I'm projecting, lol!] I would say perhaps we could save the passion-pitch for the book proposal, if it necessitates one? I heard once that we should treat every word of a query letter as "prime real estate", and, I feel like I've been beaten over the head with focusing specifically on the plot and narrative arc [which I feel like you've mastered, so good for you, haha!] in a query. I would also set your credentials up a bit higher -- I just really love how the paragraph "...I reunite with a childhood love," ends, and could see that being a great place to end the query, [then of course a thanks and bye bye]. Anyway please forgive me if I am overstepping at all, I just wanted to provide a little bit of feedback to someone! <3 [Also, everyone, I clicked "chronological" on the "sort" option at the top of the feed to help me a little bit -- I am currently on a laptop.] :)
Thanks so much for the feedback and kind words! And yes, this whole query letter writing is a process. So to answer some of your questions. By "out of my league," I meant that his talent and athleticism were beyond my abilities as a rider and my wallet's affordability. As for the type of love story, it's not romantic is the way a love story is between humans, but I don't know, perhaps there is a romance to it in how two souls come together, what leads one to another.
Next about word count, I've heard different things but many say that between 300-350 words is a sweet spot for query letters. But obviously, there's no set rule. But I would agree that every word is prime real estate, as you've suggested, and interesting the graf you think I could lose. It was where I wanted to explain the why of writing this book... like why both POVs. But this is making me think again. And the bio.. were you thinking after the 2nd graf? Then lead into the story "arc"? This is all so hard.
Have you posted your letter yet? I'd love to give it a read!
Oh! I see I see now! I think an agent will definitely pick up on that. I have a fragment of a rewritten one done — I will try & upload that this week, and thank you so much Erin, in advance, for looking at it! I need help. 😩😭 lbs
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments and help with the title. It feels impossible and the kind of like "you'll know it when you know it", but I feel like I just don't know anything when it comes to naming a book! Agh! Anyway. The letter is working with "BIRTH RITE", so let me know how that feels now that I have made some changes to the letter. I think I've read it out loud with each title about a million times (likely ten haha), and it all sounds the same to me. Would love to know what you all think! Here goes:
Today, in the United States, birth is more unsafe than it was a generation ago, Black women are 3-4 times more likely to die than white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. After a decade-plus of being a Midwife in the Bronx, the immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to burnout–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it. I discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal, transform and begin again. Where I could explore the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we urgently need to reclaim it.
BIRTH RITE: A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
Organized in five sublunary phases, this work retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude, and journeys through many more unique paths to healing in each chapter. At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a spiritual rebirth of self, BIRTH RITE is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I enjoy spending time with my local writing community, Westport Writers Group, and participate in online workshops under the mentorship of authors such as Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
This is definitely better. Well done. It feels more organized and easier to follow. You cleared out the self-deprecating parts, good for you! A few more things seem like they might need to be refined. First, you have some hyphens that need to be m-dashes. I agree with Sarah's comment on the long sentences. And you mention claiming/reclaiming power in three different sentences. It would probably be good to consolidate those somehow. I think you're still missing a word in the sentence "powerless to ____ it."
I also noticed an occasional shift in tone mid-sentence. Most of the letter sounds really professional and articulate, but there are two spots that suddenly sound much more colloquial and chit-chatty. A couple of suggestions:
1. "After a decade-plus of being a Midwife in the Bronx" might work better without "being." Something like "After a more than a decade as a practicing Midwife in the Bronx."
2. "I quit my job because of it" might become "which led [or more active verb] me to quit my job"
I love your new title! It hits the righteous tone just right and hints at the content. Excellent.
I actually couldn't find your last draft in the Substack (did you delete it?) so I'm comparing this to the version Courtney workshopped. You directly forthcoming with EXACTLY what the book is about in this draft. I read through it once and knew this was about a midwife and burnout - I know this is going to be something important, topical and heavy.
I would include one short introductory paragraph (literally a sentence) just saying hey, I'm writing to you because I know you like [customising detail], so here's a [memoir/work of non-fiction collection of stories]. During the class, I thought this was a memoir, but I now see other stories are included. I was a little confused by 'inspirational' - is this another word for fictional or do you mean something else?
I think the first paragraph packs a lot of punches, but they get a little lost in the long sentences. I suggest tightening it up, something like this:
Dear so-and-so,
Because I know you are looking for hard-hitting memoirs with heart, I'm writing to you seeking representation for my non-fiction collection of stories, BIRTH RITE, chronicling the big problem no one's talking about.
Today, in the United States, birth is more unsafe than it was a generation ago. Black women are 3-4 times more likely to die than white women because of race alone, and 80% of these deaths are preventable. Over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. After a decade of being a Midwife in the Bronx, this crisis drove me to burnout, like 45% of my colleagues. I was forced to walk away from the career I loved, as a shell of my former self.
Again, this is just my idea, if it points you in a helpful direction. You come across passionate, and extremely credible in both writing and midwifery, so GO YOU for this. I feel like this is bound to go somewhere and I can feel your frustration! Keep at it!
Oof!! This is SO good. Thank you! And I'm glad to hear you like the title. I have been working with "Small Part of Infinity" for so long that it feels comfortable, but is right!? And I just think it doesn't convey the urgency of the crisis as much as Birth Rite (or Birth Rights). I'll trim down that opening line because I also fear it leads the agent into thinking that the book is very reported, but really its more spiritual/story telling.
The other thing you touch-on about genre is something I've been struggling with a lot. Inspirational memoir apparently is when the author tells their own life story (of triumph) for entertainment and/or for the benefit of the reader (I literally had to look that definition up because I didn't know either haha). Which, yes is part of my structure, but I also have myth, share personal journal entries, provide some info about birth and spirituality etc. So, I think the structure is closest to a memoir-in-essays, which is why I attempted the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class to give a sense of the material since I can't do a plot-by-plot portrayal. All that to say my constant question of "what is the story" to others is often because I can't answer that question for my own! Well, I can't answer what the structure is so clearly haha. Thanks again :)
I agree. Daniela and Sarah provided great feedback. I would echo that it feels more organized, easier to "see" the book and the journey, if that makes sense. I know that letting go of a title is tough, but I really like this new one. Simple, clean, says a lot in a few words. As for genre, and I am obviously no genre expert, as I'd been calling mine a hybrid memoir and that wasn't right for me. But now, that feels right to me for your work. In my book, I have excerpts from letters and diaries and share some horse "history," but what I don't have is what you have. For example, professional insight/stats on birth. It feels hybrid to me. And your plot, if I'm reading correctly, is the journey. The inciting incident was the moment on the train. You reached a tipping point. Then you go back to say what led up to that and, I'm guessing, include info about all the sad statistics, which to you, weren't statistics. These are real people, real trauma, lived trauma. Then it's, well, what were you going to do next? I'd guess ups and downs, different roads taken.. until you found the path you needed to be on to start fresh. For me, that's enough plot. There is suspense in not knowing what's going to happen to you along the way, where your research will lead you, what it will uncover. I'm so intrigued by the phases and how one will connect to the next. Apologies if this isn't helping but hope it shows you that it's got me thinking! Got me curious! But again.. what Sarah and Daniela said. I second.
Here goes nothing. My reworked query letter. I'd love to get your thoughts. Thank you in advance for your time!
Dear [Agent First Name],
Given your interest in unique memoirs [insert personal note], I’d like to share my 91,000-word mixed-genre memoir THE BRAT AND THE BULLFIGHTER. Crafted with elements of fiction, it weaves together the coming-of-age stories of both a horse and a human, told from alternating perspectives. Imagine a contemporary twist on Black Beauty meets cult favorite My So-Called Life.
Artilheiro, a spirited Lusitano stallion, dreams of becoming a bullfighter. Yet, as he journeys from his breeding farm in Brazil to an exclusive Florida auction and private ranch in California, he begins to realize his fate is beyond his control. Along the way, a revolving door of riders chips away at his innate confidence, replacing it with insecurity and mistrust. His path mirrors my own transformation from an introverted Army brat, buffeted by countless relocations, into a bolder woman, largely thanks to horses. Our intertwined narratives explore shared struggles with identity, loss, and displacement, as well as the profound human-animal bond and enduring power of love, resilience, and finding home.
Black Beauty was written as an animal rights manifesto two centuries ago and yet today, people still treat horses as machines. Even fortunate horses, such as Artilheiro, suffer daily psychological trauma when misunderstood, misjudged, and mislabeled. My passion is to advocate for greater empathy toward these magnificent creatures and their mental well-being.
Likewise, I’m passionate about shedding light on the often-tumultuous Army brat experience. Despite 15 million military brats in the U.S., including Reese Witherspoon, Annie Leibovitz, and Michael Stipe, our stories are conspicuously absent from the market. My book will help fill this gap.
I have owned horses for 24 years and written for high-tech companies for 26, with articles appearing in SecurityWeek and Security Magazine. Additionally, I’ve taken public speaking and writing courses through Stanford Continuing Studies, as well as attended master classes at the Kauai Writers Conference in 2018, 2019, and 2023. Similar to the human-horse connections depicted in Chosen by a Horse (Susan Richards) and Horse Crazy (Sarah Maslin Nir), my book will resonate with readers who understand the healing power of horses or have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider.
This is a lovely idea and I remember Courtney being really moved when you mentioned that one point of view was that of a horse. Some of my best memories from my teen years are the summer weeks I spent at my grandfather’s Colorado ranch, mostly sketching horses and communing with them for hours in a field. Which is to say, I’m in. A little initial feedback.
1. I struggled with “twist” and “meets” both being used in the second sentences. It feels like a mashup of two different phrases. Might be stronger sentence if you cut “twist on.”
2. I was really in to the description of Artiheiro’s life but then felt like he was left hanging on the word “mistrust.” I know you said his journey was similar to yours and that yours turned out well, but I would have loved some sense of where his life goes (especially given the coming of age idea). I don’t mean you need to add much. Just wanted a hint.
3. This is almost the same point, but I was really hoping that human and horse ended up together. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be obvious or if we’re supposed to wait and find out.
4. The public speaking bit in the last paragraph hit me a little like a line in a CV. Think your bio might be a stronger without, just because it isn’t really connected to anything else in the letter.
I’m so jealous that you already have your comps figured out. Your letter is good in any case, so take what’s useful and forget the rest.
Thank you so much, Daniela. Love that you have those memories of your grandfather's ranch. How idyllic!
On each of your points:
1. Done and done! You are so right.
2/3. Previous versions (of course) have made it more evident that yes, horse and human meet and ultimately, each saves the other. But then was told my letter was too long, which is on me to figure out how to get it all into the ~350 words or less. There were a zillion different iterations but the gist was that I started the story with something like this:
"Well-bred and well-traveled, the bullfighter Artilheiro was out of my league. I fell in love at first sight, not knowing he would become my reason for living. We were born in different hemispheres and decades apart, but our lives seemed intertwined before we met. As an Army brat, I lived in two countries, five states, and nine houses before age ten. By the same age, Artilheiro lived in two countries, three states, and countless barns. Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse."
4. It's been removed! I had only just added that, feeling as if maybe my bio was lacking, needed some sort of boost, but at the same time, it felt forced, weird. So, thank you!
The comps have changed quite a bit, if that makes you feel any better. ;)
I've got more work to do, but wanted to acknowledge your great feedback!
Erin, I know this is subjective, but to me, the other letter is much more moving and beautiful. I'd cut the second sentence which is a little too superlative. But this is stellar "Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse." I think that sentence does in a much more succinct and powerful way, what the entire Black Beauty paragraph does in the letter you first posted.
I'd keep this older version and integrate the good parts from your new letter. For instance: "Well-bred and well-traveled, the Lusitano stallion, Artilheiro, was out of my league." I'm suggesting that because I'd find it a little confusing to say he is a bullfighter rather than he wants to be one.
It's going to be a great letter. Get us a new draft!
Tooks notes along the way. I can see the cover in my mind!! So I know you're off to a good start. Just my two cents. Take what you will from the thoughts below. :)
—include the info about the army brat up top? It feels a bit surprising to read about later and adds a lot of context to your title and genre-choice
—maybe “imagined perspective” for the POV of the horse instead of “elements of fiction”. I think it’s important to say why Artilheiro parallels your own coming of age story right up front. It’s a moving, but unconventional? approach, to use the perspective of a horse to speak to your own story, so I think the purpose of that needs to be more clear
—perhaps the current comps should be put up front to show its relevance right away? Also, have you read Year of the Horses by Courtney? It speaks to the coming of age themes and reverences to horses quite well
—did you own or have a lot of contact with Arthilheiro? Or is he completely made up?
—I really like the intro to Artilheiro, but I think we need more of your story here. I appreciate you’re identifying the themes of your coming of age, but what are some plot points that bring us through them and how do they play on the horse’s experience as well?
—I think you would be really well-served by the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class because I’m not quite sure what to expect over 91k words. If we had a brief understanding of the “ride” (haha) you take us on, the whole query would come together more clearly.
—the information about Black Beauty and the unfortunate mistreatments of horses is very well-stated, but I’m not sure it adds much to the query. Can this perhaps be drawn out as the stakes for Artilheiro’s story? Something like “for centuries horses have been treated as machines, and all Artilherio wanted was to see his dream of becoming a bullfighter come true. Now he’s realizing his whole life he’s just been misunderstood, mislabeled and mistreated. Can he get pass this loss of identity and heal from the psychological trauma of his youth?” (or something to that effect!)
—the famous army brat intel is definitely intriguing and I can see how it would appeal to agents! I would pop that up to the top as part of your comps/placement in the market
—I think your last line about “the healing power of horses when you have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider” is really powerful and should be at the end of your plot summary. (I think this is the violin line? If not, you should use it as such!)
Overall, I can see you have SO MUCH passion for this project and it sounds like its a really compelling, interesting story! I think, as it stands, I’m just not getting a lot of the structure and the plot that brings us through your experience.
I wonder if writing a query (mainly just the synopsis sections) for the storyline of Artilheiro and then writing one for your memoir individually would help you see how you can talk about plot between the two in one, combined letter. Just a suggestion! I want to pull my hair out with one letter, so I probably would toss my computer in the bin if I needed to write two haha.
As with Daniela's, I'm so touched by the time and consideration put into this feedback. I realize I have to pull my letter apart and put it back together based on all of this, which has been so helpful. I am so close (too close) to this book and your comments are helping me see the gaps, realize "of course they wouldn't know that!"
Your points, and my attempts at answers!
—include the info about the army brat up top? It feels a bit surprising to read about later and adds a lot of context to your title and genre-choice.
Got it!! I'd had this in other iterations and great feedback on the surprise.
—maybe “imagined perspective” for the POV of the horse instead of “elements of fiction”. I think it’s important to say why Artilheiro parallels your own coming of age story right up front. It’s a moving, but unconventional? approach, to use the perspective of a horse to speak to your own story, so I think the purpose of that needs to be more clear.
This book was an evolution. It was initially only his story; the memoir idea came later, after I was asked “why” I was writing it, and it was consequently suggested, “I think your story needs to be here, too.” (So, another year of writing later...)
So, to be clear, Artilheiro tells his story, and I tell mine (in alternating chapters), and (spoiler alert) when I end up bringing him home, our two POVs become intertwined within single chapters. (I'd previously had a line, "Just when I believe I'm the one saving Artilheiro, the tables turn. But the way I'd written it felt stilted, jarring. Hmmph).
—perhaps the current comps should be put up front to show its relevance right away? Also, have you read Year of the Horses by Courtney? It speaks to the coming of age themes and reverences to horses quite well.
I did indeed read Courtney’s book! Loved it! It’s how I ended up taking the workshop, and I’ve considered using her book as a comp, but go back and forth. Comps are so hard and I second guess everything. I know that Chosen by a Horse is older, but I’ve had folks tell me to put at least one SUPER well known one in there.
—did you own or have a lot of contact with Arthilheiro? Or is he completely made up?
Artilheiro is a very real horse (I’ve now owned him for 10 years), and much of his story in the book is based on fact. The fictionalized parts come where I didn’t have details. For example, his earliest days in Brazil. I created his world there, but also, based it on what others have imagined happened to him there. I also did research on international quarantined, interviewed folks who were at his auction. My friend owns the California ranch (and while some characters are composites/fictionalized, his story arc is true).
—I really like the intro to Artilheiro, but I think we need more of your story here. I appreciate you’re identifying the themes of your coming of age, but what are some plot points that bring us through them and how do they play on the horse’s experience as well?
Plot… that evil word. 😉
—I think you would be really well-served by the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class because I’m not quite sure what to expect over 91k words. If we had a brief understanding of the “ride” (haha) you take us on, the whole query would come together more clearly.
I’ve obviously been struggling with this. Brief… that other evil word. 😉 How to do this in ~350 words? I'm stumped, but know that people do it all the time.
—the information about Black Beauty and the unfortunate mistreatments of horses is very well-stated, but I’m not sure it adds much to the query. Can this perhaps be drawn out as the stakes for Artilheiro’s story? Something like “for centuries horses have been treated as machines,
Oh! I see what you did there. And I like the edit!
and all Artilherio wanted was to see his dream of becoming a bullfighter come true. Now he’s realizing his whole life he’s just been misunderstood, mislabeled and mistreated. Can he get pass this loss of identity and heal from the psychological trauma of his youth?” (or something to that effect!)
And this is interesting too. Going to give this a think.
—the famous army brat intel is definitely intriguing and I can see how it would appeal to agents! I would pop that up to the top as part of your comps/placement in the market
😊
—I think your last line about “the healing power of horses when you have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider” is really powerful and should be at the end of your plot summary. (I think this is the violin line? If not, you should use it as such!)
I have been struggling with the violin line. So, thank you for this tip.
Overall, I can see you have SO MUCH passion for this project and it sounds like its a really compelling, interesting story! I think, as it stands, I’m just not getting a lot of the structure and the plot that brings us through your experience.
I wonder if writing a query (mainly just the synopsis sections) for the storyline of Artilheiro and then writing one for your memoir individually would help you see how you can talk about plot between the two in one, combined letter. Just a suggestion! I want to pull my hair out with one letter, so I probably would toss my computer in the bin if I needed to write two haha.
Too funny. Why I decided to do this as a “debut” effort is beyond me… until I think of the why: Above all, this is a love story. I was compelled to write it, even if only my friends and family ever read it. BUT, I do have a synopsis of the entire book. I’m gonna dig up and see if I can’t pilfer some plot points.
New (and final we hope) rewrite. Cut almost 200 words and it’s still over 450, but I think that this story needs a paragraph of context so I’m not sure I can cut more. Open to suggestions!
Dear Agent,
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’d like to find representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel. THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is about a bright young woman’s exit from a modern fundamentalist church. The perspectives of three women, entangled with the church, are pillared by seven standalone stories—disturbing, macabre, heroic—of women in the Bible.
Abigail Murdy works as a personal assistant to the fiery pastor of a church in Natagwa, Colorado, where men are invested with absolute authority and women don’t even pray aloud—because (as Eve’s apple episode proves) women are easy to deceive. Her intelligence may be a gift, but it won’t put a jewel in her eternal crown or help with her divine calling to marriage and motherhood. Abby is acutely aware that her inability to conceive isn’t helping with motherhood either.
Abby’s sympathetic husband allows her to enroll in classes at a nearby university and she finds herself suddenly living in dual worlds. At school she’s rapacious, wonderstruck, and comically naive. At home, her tiny rebellions begin to threaten both her marriage and job. Abby discovers that her pastor’s shady investments are behind the church’s financial crisis, and when she’s ultimately forced to choose between her community and her degree, it will be an unexpected alliance (of the feminine kind) that carries her through the open door.
THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships, both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
The story is based on a real brand of American fundamentalism with millions of followers, which was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. Interest in those programs and the publication of related memoirs seem to indicate a market for stories of people, who like me, broke away and are “deconstructing.” I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children. I believed in absolute male authority, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. [Comps here.]
Today I am a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and live in Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Oh! Look at you go. I think this has really taken shape. I went ahead and made some suggested edits to help with the word count. Obviously take or leave! And I have a couple questions within too:
Dear Agent,
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’m seeking representation for my 92,000-word literary fiction novel. THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND [I’M DIGGING THE NEW TITLE] is about a bright young woman’s exit from a modern fundamentalist church. The perspectives of three women, entangled with the church, are pillared by seven standalone stories—disturbing, macabre, heroic—of women in the Bible. [THIS JUST MADE ME THINK, IS THE BOOK TOLD FROM THREE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES?]
Abigail Murdy serves as the personal assistant to the pastor of a church in Natagwa, Colorado, where men wield absolute authority and women are silenced, even in prayer. Her intelligence is a gift, but it won’t help with her divine calling to marriage and motherhood, an issue compounded by her inability to conceive.
[WHAT’S HER MOTIVATION FOR ATTENDING SCHOOL? WHAT WAS SHE CURIOUS ENOUGH ABOUT TO GO AGAINST THE GRAIN?]
When Abby’s sympathetic husband allows her to enroll in university classes, she finds herself living in dual worlds. At school, she’s rapacious, wonderstruck, and comically naive. At home, her tiny rebellions [AGAINST CHURCH DOCTRINE?] begin to threaten both her marriage and job. After Abby discovers her pastor’s involvement in the church’s financial crisis, she’s forced to choose: her community or her degree. An unexpected alliance carries her through the open door.
THE GULLIBLE NATURE OF THE FEMININE KIND is about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships, both ancient and modern.
The story is based on a real brand of American fundamentalism showcased in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary Shiny, Happy, People. Widespread interest in these programs and the publication of similar memoirs suggest a growing market for “deconstructionist” stories.
I once believed women were limited to two callings: marriage and children. I also believed in absolute male authority, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance. I witnessed healings and exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. [Comps here.]
Today, I live in Bologna, Italy, where I am a graphic designer and co-founder of a tech company. Recently, one of my short stories was published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse, while two others were longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Wow this is awesome! And I totally want to read it! I would, truthfully, put the accolade this manuscript has received near the top, where you state the title name. I don't even know if this is status-quo or not, I just know that it piqued my attention but didn't want to get to the end to see it. Also, I really like Erin's feedback and I second the questions -- about going against the grain, etc. <3 great job, this is great! :D
Thanks to Allison and Erin for the great feedback. Very helpful to know what wasn’t clear. Also just good to rewrite it and rewrite it. I think this version is much improved. It will probably answer your questions better but is probably too long. I think it’s supposed to be in the neighborhood of 450 and this is closer to 600. Of course, the question is always whether the extra length is worth it in some cases.
I cut the bit about the donuts and think that was a good call, but the thing is that the book has a lot of low-key humor and I’m worried it just sounds heavy. So I guess I just say that out loud. But I don’t think the tone of the book comes through in the letter. Maybe that’s okay.
Literary fiction actually is the genre, which is to say it doesn’t fit neatly in any sub genre, except maybe upmarket and/or women’s and it’s probably my own baggage but I have so dislike the idea of “women’s” fiction. It feels infantilizing. But then again, with this rewrite of the query, it’s sounding a lot like it should be on a shelf for women’s lit. I just freakin’ hate that there’s no men’s lit shelf. Is there? Did I miss that shelf?
I really love the idea of putting the autobiographical part up front (thanks for the creativity Sarah!), I get why that’s interesting. But I feel like feel like reader’s aren’t going to get that up front so maybe the agent shouldn’t either. The story summary has to be compelling or I need to rewrite the letter until it is. That’s why I need you all.
So here we go, version two:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a modern fundamentalist church in a depressed Colorado town.
Abby is a young secretary who works for Grace Tabernacle Church, but feels like an outsider because she can’t have children, and because her only real gift is a voracious appetite for learning—an ability with no eternal or practical value, since women are called by God to marriage and motherhood.
After years of secretly dreaming about a nearby university, Abby is permitted to take classes by her husband, mostly out of compassion because God has closed her womb. He does so in spite of disapproval from Abby’s boss, Big Dave, the founder and pastor of Grace Tabernacle, who does not think young women should be wandering around liberal campuses, “cesspools of secular humanism,” spiritually unprotected.
For four years, Abby finds herself in a sometimes funny, sometimes terrifying no woman’s land between two worlds. To her classmates, she seems like a girl just emerging from a lifetime in a bomb shelter. To her husband and Big Dave, she seems hellbent on risking her faith. And in fact, Abby is lying to them both about taking secular religion courses, which her husband expressly forbid.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate Big Dave and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, her standing, and her job. When Big Dave finally gives her an ultimatum, she is forced to choose between the only community she’s ever known and the classes that give her soul oxygen.
Abby’s journey overlaps with that of Nolie, a defiant teen who is grieving the loss of her grandmother and who is forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother. Nolie finds a desperately needed maternal figure in Tikvah, the older owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town. Tikvah, who has been isolated for years as a black non-Christian woman in a white fundamentalist town, needs Nolie just as much.
An unexpected connection between Nolie, Tikvah and Abby will give each the courage to do what they need to do. The points of view of these three women are layered with heartbreaking and heroic stories of biblical women—stories ignored or misused by fundamentalist churches like Abby’s.
GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
There appears to be a market for stories about modern American fundamentalism, given multiple recent memoirs [list here]. Interest in this brand of fundamentalism, with followers in the millions, drove the Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The church in GULLIBLE is based on the movement featured in Shiny Happy People, which I was raised in. Themes like the absolute authority of men over communities and homes, spiritual warfare, nationalism, and the celebration of ignorance, are important to thousands of people who, like me, are “deconstructing.”
Abby’s story is similar to my own. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment.
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Comp books will go here. Still researching.
Hi! There's so much good stuff here! I'm going to take some time with it and post my thoughts/comments in a bit, but I just want to say this violin line "GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, and female friendships both ancient and modern. Friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings." is INCREDIBLE!!!
Oh, I meant to say this too! Fantastic violin line.
Hi again! I really hope its OK that I did some line edits--its the best way for my brain to think through the material. I used about 99% of your original content because its yours, and the letter needs to sound like you1! Please, please feel free to take whatever works for you and leave the rest. I totally respect the fact that you know your book and story best. These are just some suggestions that I think could help you make that story more clear to an agent.
[Agent-specific sentence here]. I’m seeking representation for my novel (92,000 words), GULLIBLE, which explores spiritual warfare, nationalism, the celebration of ignorance, and the absolute authority of men in the modern American fundamentalist movement. This story is told through the perspective of three, very different women and weaves in heartbreaking and heroic stories of biblical women that are often ignored or misused by *religious leaders? priests? people in power?*. Interest in this brand of fundamentalism, with followers in the millions, drove the Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as the recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People (which took place in the same church I was raised in). My work of literary fiction will appeal to the readers of XYZ comps for ABC reasons (I like memoir or auto-fic for your comps as well as lit-fic).
Abby is a young devotee of and secretary at Grace Tabernacle Church in the depressing town of X in Colorado. She feels like an outsider because she can’t have children, and because her only real gift is a voracious appetite for learning—an ability with no eternal or practical value because women are called by God to marriage and motherhood. Since she can only do one of those things, her husband reluctantly allows her to attend classes at a nearby University. For four years, she wanders around the liberal campus spiritually unprotected and finding herself in the sometimes humorous, sometimes terrifying no woman’s land between worlds. To her classmates, she seems like a girl just emerging from a lifetime in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, Big Dave, she seems hellbent on risking her faith, which is now being challenged in the secular religious course she was forbidden to take.
**Notes with new material** I think you need to now introduce Nolie and Tikvah and how they tie into Abby’s story. Try to trim down the description of each character into 1-2 sentences that tie all three together and establish how their relationship moves the story forward. For instance:
"Abby’s path crosses with Nolie, who is dragged to Grace Tabernacle Church by her iron-fisted mother, and Tikvah, who is the town’s only Black, non-christian woman who owns a mystical store that threatens the spiritual health of the community. The three women find they have X in common, and conspire to do Y thing. Or the three women form an unlikely friendship, and when Abby finds financial irregularities that implicate Big Dave and can take down the whole church, she relies on the courage of both her new friends, and the forgotten stories of courageous women in the bible, to expose the church at the cost of her place in it." *Answer here: What is the connection and what do they each need to do?*
Each new lesson she learns from her classes, her friends, and now, herself, threatens her marriage, her job, and her social and spiritual standing. When Big Dave finally gives her an ultimatum (what is the ultimatum?), she is forced to choose between the only community she’s ever known and a new version of herself that gives her soul oxygen. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, the dangers of curiosity and discovering the truth, and the power of communities of women, both ancient and modern, who form friendships that can outlast marriages. Friendships that can take down kings.
Abby’s story is similar to my own. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church where I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. Eventually, after "deconstructing" from these practices, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
I kept a few of the ideas and re-worked them, which is obviously what you intended. Rewrite just posted. I’m not part of a writing group and I wish I was!
Thanks Allison, I'll see what I can integrate. One thing to keep in mind, not just with the feedback to my letter but with all the letters that most guidelines for query letters suggest including only 1-2 paragraphs (250-300 words) summarizing the story. The entire letter should be in the neighborhood of 450 words—mine was already too long at around 570. Yours is even longer :) The letter is really meant to just pique interest, and obviously one of the hardest things about the letter is write just enough to do that. There are always going to be a lot of unanswered questions. Hopefully, the letter does a good enough job of setting up the story that the agent wants to dig into the MS for details.
Hi! I'm not sure where your first comment went about the line edits (I have it in an email), but apologies for over-stepping. I'm part of another writing group where this is common practice so we can see how the words can work in a different way. Its meant to be more of an example rather than a dictum/re-write but I should have waited to hear if you were OK with line edits before posting them! I'm happy to take the comment down if you feel it doesn't serve you.
I actually deleted my comment because I realized I was overreacting, and that there were things you did in your re-write that made sense to me (that would have taken too long to spell out). I can completely understand that it’s easier to think through the letter that way. I was wrong and hoped to delete it before you saw it.
Hi Daniela, Will respond more when I can, but wow, this is great! I love the changes.
I have a dangling participle up there! “The movement in which I was raised” would be better.
Sorry I mean to thank you, too, Sarah, up there at the top.
Firstly, I've been meaning to tell you I think you're right to change the name. GULLIBLE feels a bit unfair to members of cults. There's ample evidence that we're all vulnerable to this type of manipulation - that's what makes it so fascinating, and frightening! Don't self-deprecate, don't weaken your characters. They're not stupid. They're brain-washed, and oh how we want them to find their way out!
Secondly, regarding genre, if I were you, I'd just call it general literary fiction. If you want to give it a sub-genre, I think there's nothing wrong with calling it upmarket women's fiction (I say this, of course, because this is what I'm doing with mine). It can ANGLE TOWARD women's themes like women finding their direction in life, or freedom from misogyny etc, but that doesn't make it a fluffy bunch of chicklit. Or a romance. Just call it upmarket and I think you're golden.
As for your latest version of the query, once again, it promises a lot of depth and drama. Abby's struggle, and her antagonists, are absolutely clear. My only critique is (and I know how miserable this is) it needs to be shorter. But what do you take out? Ah, the eternal pain of a writer trying to write queries and synopses!!!
I'd challenge yourself to condense Abby's introductory paragraphs to just one. (Excruciating, I know.) I think by instinct we all fall back to showing, not telling, but that requires screeds and screeds of context, which unfortunately is just going to bog down a query. I think when a query floods the reader with details, it stops selling and turns itself into a job to read it. In shortening this, yes, you will find yourself telling more than showing, but a more compact format will make sure the agent stays with you, and makes it to all the other reasons your sample pages are a must-read.
Again, this is all just my opinion! Your novel sounds fascinating.
Yep, you’re absolutely right. I need to cut it down a lot and I can do that. I agree with your point about Gullible as a title (which I’m definitely going to change) and most people would probably take the title the way you did. But it’s actually a reference to something the pastor says, which all the men I knew growing up believed, which is that women are more spiritually weak and easily deceived than men. It’s one of the reasons why all authority is given to men and women don’t make decisions for their families. Abby’s pastor says women are more gullible by nature and the title was a reference to that. No one would know that until they read the book, of course. I realized the title needed to change when Courtney started talking about how the title should feel like the book. If it’s a funny book or an odd book, the title should feel that way. I had just been thinking that the title should be pithy and something you could slap on a movie :)
Oh no, now I love ‘Gullible’ as a title, knowing this link. If there is an organic (and quick) way to incorporate this into your query, I’d keep it. (But how do you do that when you’re already trying to shorten it?) I guess I’m not really helping, just telling you my thoughts!
Maybe I just need a longer version of Gullible. The Gullible Girls of Gospel Tabernacle. 😂 kidding of course. Going to mull.
I love that "Gullible" is a play on the men instead of the women, but I agree with Sarah that it doesn't come across without some mention in the letter. Does it also center the men too much too? Something like "Gospel Ain't for the Gullible" comes to mind as a sort of commentary/reclamation for the women in the story. Or maybe including "Deconstructing" somehow? I think that's a really powerful concept.
Take it or leave it, but when you explained what you meant by Gullible as the title, the word/the verb "Deceived" stuck out to me. The women aren't weak. They've been actively deceived.
I was thinking today about a longer title, maybe something old fashioned like “The More Gullible Nature of the Feminine Kind.” It’s not a quote from anything. It almost sounds like a medical article from the 1800s or something. After I thought of it I Googled “Feminine Kind” which had so few results, Google thought it was a mistake. Turns out it’s a phrase used in a Thomas Hardy novel, FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD (I loved the movie). I don’t know why I’m kind of drawn to style of the longer titles from a century ago. Although using it three times in a query letter would be hilarious.
There is also a phrase from a section of dialogue that I like. “Under All That Virtue” I’m tempted to explain it but am curious how it sounds to you all out of context.
It
As always, the most helpful replies are honest ones. So if you hate ‘em, say so.
Hey writing friends, sorry I've been slack with feedback over the last few days - I'm extremely time poor for the next week or so - but I wanted to jump on quickly to recommend Save the Cat Writes a Novel: https://www.amazon.com/Save-Cat-Writes-Novel-Writing/dp/0399579745
There's even an audiobook of it on Spotify, for free if you have the right kind of membership!
Chapter 14 is all about loglines and pitches, including formulas! I'm not sure if I'll use the set template it suggests, but if you're struggling to condense your novel, this could be the key!
Hoping to catch up on all your brilliant queries ASAP. Keep up the good work, writers :)
Hello All, pleased to be here : )
Will be reading yours over the next few days. Here's mine.
Greetings Agent,
[Agent specific reason for writing]
Feeling stuck personally and professionally, sewage engineer Úna Sé takes a short term gig in Nepal. Her husband surprises her by suggesting she open her side of their marriage while she’s gone. Sparks ignite with Andrew rather than in her career, and he doesn’t want to be just a travel memory.
Can one busy woman have two simultaneous love stories while getting the kids fed and to bed?
Never Done is a lighthearted ‘what if’ about the logistics of polyamory, professional ambition, and parenting inspired by conversations at book clubs and moms night outs. It’s 85,000 word women’s fiction aimed at readers who enjoyed Other People's Houses by Abbi Waxman and Where’d You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple. [I think Mhairi McFarlane would be a good comp writer; warm humor and sparky attraction between well intentioned but imperfect people. Check in to jenny colgan and maybe marian keyes]
Bio: I’m a ringleader in a mama biker gang here in Seattle where I pedal my children over the hills and through the drizzle.
Hi Orla,
So glad you posted! First of all, I’m down with this subject matter and think it has so much potential to be the right amount of scandalous and funny.
My initial feeling is that you need another sentence or two in the summary part of the letter. I’m a huge fan of brevity but feel like there isn’t quite a enough there for me to know what I’d be getting.
Because you don’t mention the husband’s name, I thought at first that Andrew was her husband and had to re-read the sentence. I think you might need to explicitly say, “she meets Andrew, a [swell ostrich farmer] and sparks ignite, but he doesn’t…” I also think it might be good to at least give a tiny hint what the husband’s reaction is, since the whole story is set up as his idea. More than anything need a more clear sense of what Úna Sé’s challenge is. I assume it’s deeper than just not having time for two men and kids? Or is it that she’s unsatisfied with both men? What does she want and what is standing in her way? Is there jealousy, regret, awakened passion? The setting is great, her name and profession are super interesting. I just want to know where the tension is.
Some of that could also be used for a violin line. I’m not sure if you were in the workshop, so let me know if that’s not a term you’ve heard before.
Hope that’s helpful. Also I love Seattle and think a biker mom gang sounds amazing.
Hello, Orla, from equally drizzly Duvall, WA. :)
I agree with Daniela. I love the premise and am so intrigued about the short-term gig in Nepal and how she might try to make long-distance relationships work. Unless Andrew happens to be a colleague who travels with her on the short-term gig. I also had to do a double take on the name Andrew and a small descriptor, as Daniela suggested, would help clarify without too much real estate eaten up. And finally, I think I am left wondering, why did the husband want to open up the relationship? Can you hint at that? Had he found someone else? Were they both just feeling bored with one another?
I think I'm also left wondering about the question in the middle. One busy woman, juggling two relationships, caring for childen... what was missing in her life that led her to seek complication. I may not even be on the right track with this, but it feels, as Daniela said, that there's more to it than getting kids fed.
As always, if anything I've said creates more confusion than help, ignore!
I’m excited for this — how will this work? 😸
I'm excited, too! Should be pretty straightforward, just post your letter when you're ready and people can respond with comments. There are three, maybe four others who wrote me privately and will posting letters soon. I will, too, but I haven't had a chance to revise mine since the workshop. Hope to have it up tomorrow. Feel free to repost your letter as many times as you want to revise it.
Okay! I just uploaded what I have done of mine — FINALLY! Feel free to rip it to shreds, friends. I’ve been so foggy the past few days (it was my goal to get this posted before the end of the week lol) I can’t remember if I’m missing something or not, haha. Always looking for more comp titles by the way... :)
Hi friends! Are we still active here? Things have been wild, but I’m hoping I can still give (& get) some feedback from my fellow query suffragettes. 😅
Hi Courtney! We definitely are. This week has been really full for some of us so there are three new revisions (I believe) that still need responses, including mine. I'll be sending off thoughts on the other new ones tonight (in Italy—so early afternoon for most everyone else. Except for Sarah, who is in New Zealand).
At any rate, please post your letter! Everyone who's been responding so far, has been both encouraging and honest, so I think it's been really helpful.
The only thing I'm not crazy about is the way comments are organized in substack, it can be hard to re-find things.
At any rate, can't wait to read your letter.
Agree. It's a bit hard to navigate and make sure I'm not missing everyone's updates. And my apologies for being a bit quiet. As you said, Daniela, just a bit of a crazy time at the moment. But would love to try and help others as possible.
Hi friends, would it be helpful if we found a different medium for sharing our query letters, for whoever is interested? Perhaps we could set up a google doc and allow comments from others? That way things won't get all jumbled? I'd be happy to help. Heading on over to the main thread right now. Thank you guys for being you <3
I think it would be brilliant. Sometimes when I get comments and I click on the link I just get sent to a pile of things with the new comment nowhere in sight. It was definitely not a good idea to do editing suggestions in Substack comments.
I think one doc could work. I'm going to add everyone's letters with revised versions to the doc. The comments will obviously stay in Substack. I won't get to it until tomorrow but I'll knock that out and let everyone know. Thanks for getting this started!
Hey of course! I sent you an email via Google docs this morning, hahaha! Hopefully you got it! Lol. 😹🥴
I got it! I've moved all the letters over that I could find. I'm not finding one from you, did I miss it?
OK, I hope I'm getting closer! Based on everyone's really great feedback, I made some tweaks. I also missed my voice after reading it out loud a few times and pulled some of the lyrical back in. Let me know what you think! I also am workshopping my original title "Rebirth" with a new subtitle, so would love to know how that one flows. Also, comps? Thank you, thank you!!
Because I know you’re on the lookout for XYZ, I’m writing to you for representation for my book REBIRTH: A midwife’s guide on how to mend in a world that wants us to stay broken. This work merges inspirational and reported memoir, with cultural criticism and spiritual exploration. Is eclectic and genre-bending like In the Dreamhouse by Carmen Maria Machado; is a fresh and feminist take on the smash-hit This is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay; interrogates common power structures as in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith; and searches for the sacred through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and available upon request.
After an intense, 24-hour shift when I touched birth and was close to death at the same time, I decided enough was enough, I needed something to change. As a midwife with a decade-plus of experience in the Bronx, facing the urgent reproductive health crisis in the US day-in and day-out led me to a darkness I couldn’t escape. I was completely burnt out. I looked to alternative paths to healing such as time in nature, dabbling in astrology and tarot, and reading about witchcraft and Celtic mythology, which helped to reawaken the divine feminine within, but still wasn’t enough to overcome my feelings of worthlessness, exhaustion and anger.
Birth work was my calling, but at work cost? So, with nothing left to lose, and only myself to gain, I quit my job. Though 45% of healthcare workers report burnout, very few take time off to heal. I traveled into the unknown with no guide and very few tools. I was alone and terrified, but simply accepted the darkness and embarked on a spiritual journey that I hoped would set me free.
Organized into five phases that explore the process, transformation point and lasting spirit of my journey through burnout, I offer unique paths to healing in each chapter. I use myth as medicine by retelling stories of female archetypes; seek connection, even in taboo forms like the placenta; look to the natural world and art forms, like Kintsugi, as inspiration on how to mend; discover the sacred through stillness and solitude, and much more. At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of culture and inheritance, and a spiritual exploration, REBIRTH is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
Bio and sign off.
Hi Allison,
Sorry I’m just getting to this. It’s been a crazy week. I can feel what you’re talking about—the voice does sound more distinct. Overall, I think this one is your best yet. A couple of thoughts:
1. The comp paragraphs feels kind of overwhelming with four examples.
2. It’s my (very subjective) opinion that your earlier subtitle was stronger. But that might be more of a fundamental problem on my end with the idea of assigning mal-intent to the world as an entity. You might be writing to agents who only handle mystical and feminist work, but it’s my two cents that saying the world wants us to stay broken, is a really big thing to lob in a query letter where you don’t have time to explain it. But it’s also possible that this just isn’t my field.
3. I like the new personal experience paragraph a lot. It’s sharp and blends your experience with the situation in the US well, but worry that “enough is enough” is too cliche.
4. I think you meant “at what cost” rather than “at work cost”?
5. I liked “sublunary” in your previous draft and thought it was a really unique word to use. Sad to see it go.
6. Think it’s really good and important that you mentioned offering paths to healing in each chapter.
7. Your violin sentence feels a little too loaded down and overly packed :) It was stronger to me before.
Thanks for being so patient. I’ll post a few comments tomorrow. Well done!
Hi Daniela and fellow writers! What a fantastic idea it was to get together and support each other. Here’s my reworked query. All feedback is appreciated.
What’s with the redactions? This due to my mistrust in the internet, not you, my fellow supportive writers. They would point to a problematic former workplace, and I’ve decided not to post such details openly online.
Thank you all so much! Looking forward to returning the favour.
Dear [Agent],
Because I know you’re often looking for [customising detail], I'm writing to you seeking representation for my novel, [TITLE REDACTED] (book club fiction, 87,000 words).
They say time is a healer. What happens, then, if you don't want it?
Kristen is an optimistic but lonely [occupation redacted] living in contemporary Wellington, New Zealand. Devastated by the death of her soulmate, she went numb – and straight back to work. Right after the funeral, in fact. Now, at thirty-three, her employer announces they’ll soon close their doors, and she’s confronted by grief she thought she’d overcome. Isn’t she past this? Isn’t she fine?
As her crisis worsens, she’ll try anything to forget her grief. She’ll lose herself in Fiji, in Melbourne, in the breath-taking alpine city of Queenstown. She'll ignore the escalating behaviour of her abusive boyfriend. She’ll even hurt the only man who really cares, despite a growing attraction. Only the bottle, it seems, is her friend. Dark but hopeful, and peppered with humour, [NOVEL TITLE] follows the spiral of a formidable woman who must choose between self-destruction, or the impossible: facing her pain.
It blends Emily Perkins’ psychological realism in “Lionness” with the yearning undertones of “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt. It’s “Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine” by Gail Honeyman for readers who like a more edgy, worldly heroine.
I draw from my [past experience redacted]. My publication successes [hyperlinked] include other grief-themed fiction pieces, plus a wellbeing article in an international magazine. I’m a member of the New Zealand Society of Authors, attend a monthly critique group, and went to the Auckland Writers Festival 2024, engaging in workshops with critically-acclaimed authors Trent Dalton and Emily Perkins. I’ve passed certificates with distinction [hyperlinked] in creative writing and magazine journalism, and built a track record of competition wins and long-listings [hyperlinked].
In my current job as an airline pilot, I hold a long list of advanced aviation qualifications including a Diploma in Aviation (Level Six). I relished my time speaking in front of an audience during my time as a groundschool instructor.
If you’d like to see more, please contact me at [contact details redacted].
Yours sincerely,
Sarah [Surname]
Sarah,
This is such a good rewrite. I remember reading this line before and I can’t remember what it was exactly, but I think it landed a little on the cliche side of things. This is much more interesting (hinting so deftly at grief, not being ready for sobriety and just hurting too much to imagine anything else):
| They say time is a healer. What happens, then, if you don't want it?
I love the tone in this “Isn’t she past this? Isn’t she fine?” Honestly, I don’t have any suggestions. Seems like a great length, it’s compelling. Where can I preorder?
Hi Sarah,
I have to say I'm with Daniela on this. I found this so compelling. If I were an agent, I'd be like send me the pages! If I had to dig deep to find anything...
Now, at thirty-three, her employer announces they’ll soon close their doors, and she’s confronted by grief she thought she’d overcome. [What is it with the closing of the doors that makes her need to confront her grief? Is is something like "...close their doors. Suddenly, without the distraction of work, she's forced to confront the grief she thought she'd overcome.
And when you mentioned the boyfriend, I had to stop for a second. Just bc of the soulmate mention before, I think maybe even the addition of one word would have helped "me". She'll ignore the behavior of her new and abusive boyfriend...
But again, overall, I think this is fantastic. You got so much detail in so few words. Way to go!
I've been thinking more about your letter and a few ideas came to me. I hope the following examples/edits are helpful!
For the opener: "Can time heal the wounds of a pain that you ignore for years?" OR "Can time really heal all wounds if you choose to ignore the pain for years?" This to me is captivating, gives a good sense of what the story is about, and is more of an assertion instead of giving your authority as a writer away to someone else (ie, "They say...")
For the second paragraph: Similar to the example Courtney gave in class, I think you can use the "but at what cost" to great effect in your letter. Something along the lines of:
"Newly unemployed and with nothing but herself to loose, she tries to escape her haunting grief in Fiji, Melbourne, and idyllic Queenstown. She tries to forget her past love in a relationship with a new boyfriend who’s affections are now escalating into abuse. And she contends with the realization that the only person she’s willing to have feelings for is the person she is afraid she will hurt the most, her best friend. She picks up the bottle in a hopes to destroy it all--her life, her feelings--but at what cost to herself? Dark but hopeful, and peppered with humour, [NOVEL TITLE] follows the spiral into self-destruction of a once-optimistic woman who must choose between a lonely life of numbness, or the hope of a better one by doing the impossible: facing her pain from a broken heart [or whatever is the greatest source of her grief/pain/escape]".
Of course you don't need to use any of this at all! It was just something that helped what *I think* is the message of your story come across more clearly in my mind.
Hi Sarah!
I totally understand wanting to respect your privacy! Luckily, it doesn’t take too much away from the query letter so hopefully we can provide some helpful feedback for you :)
My thoughts as I read through it a few times. Again, take whatever serves you and leave the rest! I’m rooting for you and your project:
—I think I understand what you’re trying to do with the opener, but I’m a bit confused with the “it”? I’m assuming you’re asking what you do if you don’t want to heal, in which case I’m not sure starting your letter with the “they say” or even that idiom is the strongest intro to your letter because it already sets up questions instead of packing the punch I think you’re hoping for. (what if this character (or agent) doesn’t agree that time heals all wounds?)
—why is Kristen described as “optimistic” if she’s also “devastated” and “numb”. I can’t get a sense of how she really feels with those seemingly conflicting descriptors, but then the rest of the tone of your letter makes me think she is anything but optimistic.
—how long has it been since her soul mate passed?
—why does her loosing her job bring up her grief again? And grief for what? I would be sure to connect those two more.
—isn’t she past what? why is she all of a sudden expected to be fine when she was just described as lonely, devastated and numb? And since we don’t have a sense of how much time has passed its hard to “judge” her grief and if she should be fine.
—is her crisis loosing her job? An identity crisis? Crisis of faith? grief?
—why is she now all of a sudden in all these other places (Fiji, Melbourne, Queenstown [swoon! I love it there])? She is traveling to escape her grief of what or who? Going on a bender and partying in all of these places? Following around her boyfriend? Doing an eat/pray/love type of situation?
—who are these other characters? The abusive boyfriend and man with the growing attraction? I think because we left her in the last paragraph devastated by the soul mate its surprising to have two other love interests come up in the next.
—I think we need a bit more plot and story before we jump into the violin line and setting up the stakes.
—how is she formidable? and what pain is she facing? Her soul mate still? her life falling apart? Being in a now-abusive relationship?
—I think your description of these comps aren’t helping you at all at this point because I don’t see the themes you want to draw out in your comps in your letter at all. I’m not saying they aren’t great for your book! But I just don’t see how they connect to your story at this point.
—your bio is really impressive! So cool that you’re a pilot, but I would trim that info down and tie it into your connection with the work (eg, Being an advanced airline pilot, I know a thing or two about finding every way possible to escape the pain of XYZ or some other tie-in and maybe trim the rest).
Overall I’m really intrigued by your story and really want to root for Kristen, but feel like I don’t know much about her. What is your story about—what universal truth does it speak to and that the reader will see themselves in? Substance use? Lack of coping for intense emotions such as grief and life-changes? The parallel universe of escapism? I also want to know what the stakes are for Kristen—what is she really searching for and what will she loose if she doesn’t get it? As of this moment I would say she’s struggling with substance use and about to hit rock bottom, but I’m really not sure. This may sound obvious, but spell it out for the agent loud and clear. Make sure they don’t walk away with any questions of “what is this book really about?” I’ve seen some folks say reveal anywhere between 40-70% of your book in the letter, and I feel like I’m walking away with about 20% of your book as it stands. I’m sure you have amazing material in your MS to work with! You’ll definitely get there and it sounds like a really important story to tell.
Daniela, Allison and Erin, thank you all so much for the feedback! I'll take some time to mull it all over, but I just wanted to say a huge thank you!!!
Hi everyone!
I'm so glad we have a space to workshop our queries in--thank you, Daniela, for your idea and initiative! I'm happy to kick us off since I stayed up way too late after class last Wednesday brainstorming ideas and then putting a new query together over the past few days. I also included some new titles and subtitles for the book that I'm considering--would love to know your thoughts on those as well. Please be as honest as possible! I have an idea of the areas where I'm still struggling, but can't keep looking at this letter and re-writing it haha. I appreciate the fresh eyes and perspective :)
Title options:
GRAVID, GRAVIDA
HYSTERIA, HYSTERICS, HYSTERICAL
BIRTH RIGHTS, BIRTH RITE
SMALL PART OF INFINITY
Subtitle options:
A midwife’s meditation on the inherited and lived complexities of womanhood
A midwife’s meditation on burnout as a lived and inherited experience for women and a path to healing
A midwife’s meditation on how burnout can birth/deliver women into a more connected way of being
How burnout from a broken world can deliver us into a better one
A midwife explores the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we need to reclaim it
A midwife heals her burnout by exploring the legacy of the past, confronting the present, and finding hope for the future
A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth
Query Letter:
TITLE: SUBTITLE merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. Organized in five sublunary phases, this work retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude and journeys through many more unique paths in healing. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
Today, in the United States, birth is getting more unsafe, Black women are 3-4x more likely to die than a white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. The statistics are dire, yet very little about this urgent health crisis has changed in the decade-plus that I have been a Midwife. The immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to a burnout that was dark and deep–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it.
I soon discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal from it–the place where I had nothing left to lose and the entirety of myself to gain and rediscover. By exploring the past, present and future of womanhood in its many forms, I transformed my burnout into a spiritual practice and reawakened the divine feminine within. I found myself, though, confronted with the question: Will this new-found path be enough to help me mend the broken system of birth so we can all be free?
At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a rebirth of self, TITLE is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
This is my first manuscript, but I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I’m currently taking some time away from clinical practice so I can try my best at being a new mom. I am savoring the quietude of nap time to spend time with my local writing community Westport Writes, and participate in online writing communities under the mentorship of Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
Well done being the first to post! Sorry to leave you hanging, I’ll get back to you tomorrow. Hopefully will also have mine ready tomorrow, too.
Alright, so I got drawn in and am going to leave a little feedback now. Obviously toss any feedback that you don’t find helpful. I think the violin line is fantastic. “Hymn of hope” is wonderful. The book idea in general is really compelling, love the idea of organizing the book according to five sublunary phases. My initial impression was very similar to Lia’s in that I think the letter would be stronger if you mentioned being a midwife immediately, especially given that this is a memoir hybrid.
It does seem like the letter would be better if it was tighter. You’re covering some of the same ground in three of the paragraphs. A guide to how to mend the world is so similar to mend the broken system. Same with unique path to healing and the place where I could heal from it. Maybe there is a way to organize those more succinctly. Also agreed with Lia that a couple of spots sounded almost apologetic, particularly “try my best.” The big life changes you made take courage, as does writing a novel and parenting. You’re doing all of it! Brag a little. I think you’re also missing a word in “powerless to [change] it” :)
Oh wait! I just realized that most of the subtitles mention being a midwife. That’s perfect. I don’t have any expertise in what kind of titles are ideal for which genres, I can only tell you what I like. I love Birth Rite. I’d pair that with “A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth” And honestly, I think this is so good, you might want to use it as an opening line “TITLE explores the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we need to reclaim it.”
Thank you so much for this!! I put the redundancy in to make it feel like the agent couldn't walk away with questions, but it can see how its too much. I'll tighten that up. I also love "A midwife's story of burnout and rebirth" as the subtitle, but I'm still so stuck on the title. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks so much for taking the time when you were signing off! I appreciate it :)
Hi Allison-
I wasn't able to attend the workshop, but wanted to share my thoughts after coming across this post. I really like the title options "Small Part of Infinity" and subtitle "How burnout from a broken world can deliver us into a better one" but perhaps adding midwife in, so it would be something like "Lessons from a midwife on how burnout from..." I find the statistics you cited to be very powerful. Your third and fourth paragraphs do an excellent job painting a vivid picture of the book's themes and content.
For the opening paragraph, you may want to consider tightening it up a bit or potentially separating out the title comparison details. And in that final paragraph, I'd encourage you to convey your confidence in this important project. Phrases like "but I have..." and "I can try..." seem a tad hesitant. If the postpartum group connection does indeed provide inspiration and keep you connected to this community, it could be impactful to highlight that.
Of course, I'm coming at this from more of a reader's perspective rather than an expert's. But I hope these suggestions spark some useful ideas as you continue refining your query. This is such an important topic, and I wish you the very best with landing an agent.
Thank you, Lia! These are great suggestions and I'll incorporate them into the letter. I didn't even realize how apologetic the last paragraph sounded, so thank you for pointing that out. I'm so attached to "Small Part of Infinity" as the title name, so I'm glad you like it. It pulls on a lot of strings in the book too, so that's why I may stick with it. I hope you can spend some time with the recorded version of class--it was great!
Hi Allison,
Titles are tough. After Courtney’s workshop, I've started to questions mine, too. Hmmph. When I read your new title choices, I was drawn to Birth Rite. To me, Small Part of Infinity somehow seems diminishing (at first glance). As a memoir, I wonder if a slight tweak to something like My Place in Infinity could work instead. Or Contributing to Infinity. Or Adding to Infinity. Obviously all slightly different connotations.
As for the subtitles, I lean with Lia on having midwife in it and something shorter. Like your “A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth.” Maybe a slight tweak to “A midwife’s journey through burnout, meditation, and rebirth” or as Lia said, I do like the “lessons” or similar. “How a midwife turned physical burnout into spiritual reclamation.” But maybe I’m muddying the waters. Just food for thought.
I've added more notes in-line. Hope any of it is helpful.
Query Letter:
TITLE: SUBTITLE merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. [I’D ADD A BREAK HERE JUST FOR READABILITY.]
Organized in five sublunary phases [LOVE THIS, AND AM WONDERING, HAVE I MARKED THE PHASES CORRECTLY? TO MY EYE, IT WAS EASIER TO SEPARATE WITH THE NUMBERS; BUT FEEL IS SHOULD GO AFTER THE HEALTHCARE AND BURNOUT STATS], this work [1] retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; [2] finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; [3] uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; [4] discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude and [5] journeys through many more unique paths in healing. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
[FOR ME, THE STATS ARE YOUR LEDE. I’D HAVE ONE SENTENCE WITH YOUR TITLE, GENRE, AND WORD COUNT, AND THEN LAUNCH RIGHT INTO THEM] Today, in the United States, birth is getting more unsafe. Black women are 3-4x more likely to die than white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy.
The statistics are dire, yet very little about this urgent health crisis has changed in the decade-plus that I have been a Midwife. The immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to a burnout that was dark and deep–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it. [I KNOW IN YOUR FIRST DRAFT FOR CLASS, YOU WERE ON A TRAIN, BUT WAS THERE A MOMENT THAT DAY WHEN YOU SAID ENOUGH’S ENOUGH?]
I soon discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal from it–the place where I had nothing left to lose and the entirety of myself to gain and rediscover. [BECAUSE YOU MENTION BURNOUT SEVERAL TIMES, I’D TRY TO FIND A WAY TO COMBINE/SHORTEN, ESPECIALLY AS THE SWEET SPOT FOR QUERY LETTERS SEEMS TO BE ~300-350 WORDS] By exploring the past, present and future of womanhood in its many forms, I transformed my burnout into a spiritual practice and reawakened the divine feminine within. I found myself, though, confronted with the question: Will this new-found path be enough to help me mend the broken system of birth so we can all be free?
At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a rebirth of self, TITLE is ultimately a hymn of hope [LOVE HYMN OF HOPE] that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
This is my first manuscript, but I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I’m currently taking some time away from clinical practice so I can try my best at being a new mom. I am savoring the quietude of nap time to spend time with my local writing community Westport Writes, and participate in online writing communities under the mentorship of Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
THERE’S SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN HERE, I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT TO CUT, BUT PERHAPS A BIT OF RESTRUCTURING MAY REVEAL THAT YOU CAN SAY MORE IN FEWER WORDS. STATS, BURNOUT TRANSFORMATION, SUBLUNAR PHASES...
As always, take, leave, this is your story!
Erin
Hello writers! You might have received an email but I wanted to comment here as well. Courtney brilliantly suggested moving the letters into a Google doc so we can keep them organized and find comments a little easier. I hope I didn't miss any when I copied them over. If you didn't get an email or a message from me, feel free to DM me.
Here is my letter. Hundred bucks says I wake up in the morning and hate this version:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary who knows more than she should about the secret lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university, she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise, an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging and trusting her own heart.
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts.
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart.
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.”
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Comp books will go here. Still researching.
Ha ha, a hundred bucks indeed. I relate.
I agree with the comments about genre. This context is important, so I would include it in the introductory line.
It's a strong letter, but after mulling it over, I think breaking the rules about formatting would serve it well. When I read it was semi-autobiographical, it made me sit up. What would you think of something like this?
Dear so-and-so,
I'm seeking representation for GULLIBLE, a novel about [dadada details including genre].
I was in my mid twenties when I escaped my own oppressive church. Like my characters, I've witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I grew up believing women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women.
GULLIBLE follows three characters in a similarly cultish environment who .... dadadada.
This is just my idea, but to me, it establishes early that this isn't just an idea you thought up one day because it seemed dramatic. This is a nuanced story full of shocking and fascinating details, created by a former insider in the church. (Well done for making it out, by the way.)
Trying to rethink my title, too. Here are some alternates:
Left to Her Own Devices
She Ain’t Changed None
A Good Head on Her Shoulders
Least of All
For the Love of All That’s Holy
All the Places We Ain’t Supposed to Go
Girl Matter
I like 'All the Places We Ain't Supposed to Go'
Would you consider something like, 'Outcast'? (Or whatever the term is for someone who leaves the church? 'Heretic'?)
The thing is that the book is a celebration of the main character’s almost accidental courage. It’s got some heavy, awful moments, but a lot of it is about the awkwardness of feeling like an alien who has never worn makeup and doesn’t know the difference between Groucho Marx and Karl Marx. So I feel like the title should communicate that. There is a bit of southern gothic feel (Flannery O’Connor not the blood and Spanish moss dripping from moonlit trees kind). And a number of the characters are either southern or come from uneducated backgrounds so the dialogue has a very rural blue collar feel to it.
Titles are hard, aren’t they?
Your title choice was actually my favorite in the new list. I'm going to hold on to that one and come up with a new list.
Here is my letter. Hundred bucks says I wake up in the morning and hate this version:
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary who knows more than she should about the secret lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university, she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss, she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise, an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging and trusting her own heart.
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts.
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart.
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.”
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions.
Comp books will go here. Still researching.
I took notes as I read, so here goes…take what works for you and leave the rest!
--First paragraph: is this upmarket, women’s fiction? Thriller? Historical fiction?
--Love the description of all three characters! Is this taking place at the present time?
--I would include some type of description about Abby that she is one of the cultish-church members, because it felt a little shocking to read “When Abby is permitted by her husband…” and specify the conflict between the worlds. You really want to make the stakes clear for Abby here, so what is she up against at school and at home? You don’t have to go into every detail, but give the agent a clear understanding of what the conflict is and what she has to lose if she doesn’t get it (stakes) as she navigates a new world, identity, exploration of knowledge etc.
I would give more details for “personal evolution”—is she planning on leaving the church? Joining a coven with Tikvah? Becoming a computer scientist or floral arranger?
--What tensions are rising and why? What’s the ultimatum and where does she want to belong—at school, with the church, with the other two female characters?
--I’m not clear what POV the book is written in. Is it an essay collection (“seven harrowing and gruesome stories”) and why are these stories described as such when the conflict seems to be that of search for identity for Abby?
--The donuts are funny, but surprising. I’m not sure that point of humor adds much or just begs more questions.
--I would tighten up the information about the fundamentalist movements. Are you using these as comps? Trying to draw out some themes your story addresses? I don't think this adds much.
--What happened to the other two characters you mentioned in the beginning, Tikvah and Nolie?
--Umm your bio is awesome and more of this needs to be in the query if any of your own experiences mentioned are part of the book!! A great connection to the material and I would really highlight the theme of “deconstructing” as central to Abby’s conflict. Oof, that’s powerful.
OK, so overall, I think its a good start, I LOVE your premise and think you have a lot of really great material to work with here, but there’s gotta be more specifics. For instance, I walk away with a general idea of what happens, but honestly I have more questions than answers right now and that’s not what you want to leave agents with (I keep thinking of the green, orange and red flags Courtney mentioned and asking myself “would an agent want to get up and get a cup of coffee right now?!” haha). What is the story?? There are some plot points, but I wouldn’t be able to say back to you what you want the reader to walk away with—what emotional investment or universal theme will people be able to relate to through your work and how (the plot) does your story convey those messages? I actually think your bio does a better job of making that clear. Definitely get more specific about the admin details like POV, voice (1st, 3rd), time etc. because it will help ground the agent in your material right away. Trim out whatever isn’t needed (Tikvah and Nolie for instance either need to be cut or developed more). What I found really helped was writing out my synopsis (I found this link https://publishingcrawl.com/p/how-to-write-a-1-page-synopsis really helpful!) because it forced me to say in very simple terms what my book is about. Then you can translate that back into a query letter that will be attention-grabbing and make the agent ask for more pages. Be sure to spend time on your violin line and bring us to a point in the story where our only question is “can we have more pages, please!” You’ve got this!!
I also don't want to comment on a title yet, because I want to understand the story better! But I'll keep thinking of comps for you!
Hi Daniela,
You’re "hundred bucks" caveat made me laugh. And I’ll share my own: regarding my feedback, take it, leave it, tell me to go to hell, ask me to explain more!
I think there’s so much good with your letter (also, Allison's points are amazing; tough act to follow). You’ve got church secrets (are the powers that be not so righteous after all?), controlling family members, temptation, inner turmoil, and more! All very intriguing. But I do have questions and a couple suggestions…
After reading the whole letter and going back to the top, the first sentence throws me. Three women? But only Abby is really mentioned. I’ve made comments in line – in all caps so I can appear extra obnoxious. 😉
I’m seeking representation for my 92,000 word literary fiction novel, GULLIBLE. [Agent-specific sentence here].
GULLIBLE follows three women whose lives are entangled with a cultish church [MAYBE COULD REPLACE WITH “MODERN FUNDAMENTALIST CHURCH” TO HELP ESTABLISH THE TIME] in a depressed Colorado town: Tikvah, the owner of an all-things-mystical store, considered an evil spiritual influence on the town, Nolie, a defiant teen forced to attend church by an iron-fisted mother, and Abby, a bright young secretary [TO WHOM?] who knows more than she should about the secret [NOT SO DEVOUT?] lives of church members.
When Abby is permitted by her husband to take classes at a nearby university [WHY DOES SHE WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL? WHAT IS SHE DESPERATE TO STUDY? DOES HE LET HER GO BECAUSE SHE’S GOING TO BE STUDYING RELIGION? WHAT’S THE CATALYST? I KNOW, A LOT OF QUESTIONS, WHICH REALLY ARE MORE PROMPTS, NOT EXPECTING ANSWERS TO ALL RIGHT HERE], she finds herself moving between conflicting worlds. To other students, Abby seems to have spent her life in a bomb shelter. To her husband and boss [AGAIN, WHO IS THIS PERSON?], she seems hellbent on risking her salvation.
Months before graduation, Abby stumbles across financial irregularities that implicate the church founder [IS THIS HER BOSS?] and catalyze her personal evolution. Every small awakening threatens her marriage, relationships, and job. As tensions rise [DOES SHE REVEAL THE SECRETS SHE’S UNCOVERED TO THE “WRONG” PERSON?], an ultimatum will force her to choose between belonging [TO HER CHURCH COMMUNITY?] and trusting her own heart [TO BREAK FREE?].
A portrait of modern American fundamentalism, layered with seven harrowing and gruesome stories of biblical women [I’M INTRIGUED BY THE SEVEN STORIES, BUT ALSO AM QUESTIONING, ARE THESE STORIES SHE LEARNED AT CHURCH? OR AT UNIVERSITY? WHAT IS THEIR PLACE IN THE OVERALL STORY?]. GULLIBLE is a book about church secrets, curiosity, friendship, and the transcendent joy of eating donuts [I AGREE WITH ALLISON, I’M NOT SURE THE DONUTS FIT HERE. ALSO AT THIS POINT, I’M WONDERING, WHAT HAPPENED TO TIKVA AND NOLIE? THIS FEELS WAY MORE LIKE ABBY’S STORY. ARE THEY THE FRIENDS IN THE “FRIENDSHIP”?].
The church in GULLIBLE is based on two fundamentalist American movements with millions of followers. One teaches the absolute authority of men over their communities and homes, and was featured in the hit Discovery Channel show 19 Kids and Counting, as well as a recent Amazon Prime documentary called Shiny, Happy, People. The other movement is known for manifestations of holy laughter, convulsions, and the uttering of animal sounds during worship services. Both movements reject higher learning, which they believe prizes the head over the heart. [B/C EDUCATION CHALLENGES FAITH?]
GULLIBLE is a partially autobiographical novel. I was in my mid twenties when I finally made my way out of the church. I once believed women had only two possible callings, marriage and children, which meant degrees were pointless for women. I witnessed healings, exorcisms (including my own), spoke in tongues, and expected the rapture at any moment. I’m grateful to be part of a movement of thousands of Americans who are “deconstructing.” [I FIND THIS SUPER INTERESTING WAS ALSO THROWN A BIT BY THE “PARTIALLY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.” WONDERING IF YOU COULD SIMPLY START WITH, “IN MY MID-TWENTIES, I FINALLY MADE IT OUT OF ‘THE’ CHURCH…” AND RATHER THAN SAY IT’S PARTIALLY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL, SIMPLY TALK OF YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE SUBJECT MATTER.]
Eventually, I became a graphic designer, co-founder of a tech company, and moved to Bologna, Italy. One of my short stories was recently published in an anthology by Indignor Playhouse and two others were recently longlisted in short fiction competitions. [RIGHT ON TO ALL OF THIS!]
Hope this helps a pinch.
Also can I edit... uh, YOUR caveat, not you're. I have to stop writing late at night.
😂 I feel you. I reread my post from yesterday and I had all sorts of fragmented words and extra apostrophes. Don’t know about you but late at night is my only option at the moment.
Here's another go! Would love to know if I've headed in the right direction (so hard to do in such limited space, as you know)... ack! Thank you!
Dear [Agent First Name],
Given your interest in unique memoirs [insert personal note], I’m excited to share my 91,000-word mixed-genre memoir THE BRAT AND THE BULLFIGHTER. Crafted with elements of fiction, it weaves together the coming-of-age stories of both a horse and a human, told from alternating perspectives. Imagine a contemporary Black Beauty meets cult favorite My So-Called Life.
Well-bred and well-traveled, Artilheiro was out of my league. Yet, when we met, I felt an instant connection. As an Army brat, I had lived in two countries, five states, and nine houses before age nine. By the same age, Artilheiro had lived in two countries, three states, and countless barns. Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse.
Artilheiro, a spirited Lusitano stallion, dreams of becoming a bullfighter. However, after he travels from his breeding farm in Brazil to an exclusive Florida auction and a private ranch in California, he realizes his fate is beyond his control. When a revolving door of riders turns his innate confidence into problematic behavior, he’s sold and moved, once again without a choice. Artilheiro’s path mirrors my own, from an introverted girl, buffeted by countless relocations, to a restless woman, unable to settle until, finally, I reunite with a childhood love: horses.
Our intertwined narratives explore shared struggles with identity, loss, and displacement, as well as the profound human-animal bond and power of resilience. My passion is to advocate for greater empathy toward horses, who suffer daily psychological trauma when misunderstood, misjudged, and mislabeled, while also shedding light on the often-tumultuous Army brat experience. Despite 15 million military brats in the U.S., including Reese Witherspoon, Annie Leibovitz, and Michael Stipe, our stories are conspicuously absent from the market. My book will help fill this gap.
I have owned horses for 24 years and written for high-tech companies for 26, with articles appearing in SecurityWeek and Security Magazine. Similar to the human-horse connections depicted in Chosen by a Horse (Susan Richards) and Horse Crazy (Sarah Maslin Nir), my book will resonate with readers who understand the healing power of horses or have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider.
Thank you for your consideration.
Erin
Hi Erin! I love this query! Please take my "two-cents" as not even two cents, rather a grain of minuscule salt. I am still so new at this process.
First of all, I love your description of your plot, and I think you have a great narrative arc here. I am wondering what it means when you say, "out of your league" -- is this a romantic love story? Or a platonic one? And, what makes him out of your league?
I am unsure of the word count here, but if you needed to shave it down [that's always my problem, I'm sorry if I'm projecting, lol!] I would say perhaps we could save the passion-pitch for the book proposal, if it necessitates one? I heard once that we should treat every word of a query letter as "prime real estate", and, I feel like I've been beaten over the head with focusing specifically on the plot and narrative arc [which I feel like you've mastered, so good for you, haha!] in a query. I would also set your credentials up a bit higher -- I just really love how the paragraph "...I reunite with a childhood love," ends, and could see that being a great place to end the query, [then of course a thanks and bye bye]. Anyway please forgive me if I am overstepping at all, I just wanted to provide a little bit of feedback to someone! <3 [Also, everyone, I clicked "chronological" on the "sort" option at the top of the feed to help me a little bit -- I am currently on a laptop.] :)
Hi Courtney,
Thanks so much for the feedback and kind words! And yes, this whole query letter writing is a process. So to answer some of your questions. By "out of my league," I meant that his talent and athleticism were beyond my abilities as a rider and my wallet's affordability. As for the type of love story, it's not romantic is the way a love story is between humans, but I don't know, perhaps there is a romance to it in how two souls come together, what leads one to another.
Next about word count, I've heard different things but many say that between 300-350 words is a sweet spot for query letters. But obviously, there's no set rule. But I would agree that every word is prime real estate, as you've suggested, and interesting the graf you think I could lose. It was where I wanted to explain the why of writing this book... like why both POVs. But this is making me think again. And the bio.. were you thinking after the 2nd graf? Then lead into the story "arc"? This is all so hard.
Have you posted your letter yet? I'd love to give it a read!
Thank you again.
Also — PS — sorry, not to make the comments more confusing 😹 yes I was thinking putting the bio after the second graf. :)
Oh! I see I see now! I think an agent will definitely pick up on that. I have a fragment of a rewritten one done — I will try & upload that this week, and thank you so much Erin, in advance, for looking at it! I need help. 😩😭 lbs
It's hard, but don't despair! Everything is a work in progress and we're all here to support one another!
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments and help with the title. It feels impossible and the kind of like "you'll know it when you know it", but I feel like I just don't know anything when it comes to naming a book! Agh! Anyway. The letter is working with "BIRTH RITE", so let me know how that feels now that I have made some changes to the letter. I think I've read it out loud with each title about a million times (likely ten haha), and it all sounds the same to me. Would love to know what you all think! Here goes:
Today, in the United States, birth is more unsafe than it was a generation ago, Black women are 3-4 times more likely to die than white women because of race alone, 80% of these deaths are preventable, and over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. After a decade-plus of being a Midwife in the Bronx, the immensity of this crisis and my powerlessness to it led me to burnout–a problem for about 45% healthcare workers that no one is talking about–and I quit my job because of it. I discovered, though, the darkness of my burnout was the exact place where I could heal, transform and begin again. Where I could explore the physical, political, and spiritual power of the womb and why we urgently need to reclaim it.
BIRTH RITE: A midwife’s story of burnout and rebirth merges inspirational and reported memoir with cultural criticism, spiritual exploration and storytelling to offer the reader a guide on how to mend in a world that wants and needs us to stay broken. It interrogates the meaning of power and women’s common struggle to claim it as found in You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith and searches for the spiritual through story as in This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley. It is complete at 82,000 words and fits your catalog for XYZ reason.
Organized in five sublunary phases, this work retells stories celebrating female archetypes such as Persephone and the Selkie; finds connection everywhere, even in taboo forms like the placenta; uses inspiration from the natural world, like the laws of thermodynamics; discovers the sacred through stillness and solitude, and journeys through many more unique paths to healing in each chapter. At once a compelling, often-untold story of a woman reclaiming her power, an honest examination of cultural inheritance, and a spiritual rebirth of self, BIRTH RITE is ultimately a hymn of hope that radical self-acceptance will birth our collective liberation into being.
I have several other publications in peer-reviewed journals and op-eds on reproductive health and justice for outlets such as Motherly, Insider, and Not Safe for Mom Group. I enjoy spending time with my local writing community, Westport Writers Group, and participate in online workshops under the mentorship of authors such as Courtney Maum and Vanessa Chakour. I am also creating a local postpartum support group that is desperately needed for new parents like me.
This is definitely better. Well done. It feels more organized and easier to follow. You cleared out the self-deprecating parts, good for you! A few more things seem like they might need to be refined. First, you have some hyphens that need to be m-dashes. I agree with Sarah's comment on the long sentences. And you mention claiming/reclaiming power in three different sentences. It would probably be good to consolidate those somehow. I think you're still missing a word in the sentence "powerless to ____ it."
I also noticed an occasional shift in tone mid-sentence. Most of the letter sounds really professional and articulate, but there are two spots that suddenly sound much more colloquial and chit-chatty. A couple of suggestions:
1. "After a decade-plus of being a Midwife in the Bronx" might work better without "being." Something like "After a more than a decade as a practicing Midwife in the Bronx."
2. "I quit my job because of it" might become "which led [or more active verb] me to quit my job"
I really like the title "Birth Rite."
I love your new title! It hits the righteous tone just right and hints at the content. Excellent.
I actually couldn't find your last draft in the Substack (did you delete it?) so I'm comparing this to the version Courtney workshopped. You directly forthcoming with EXACTLY what the book is about in this draft. I read through it once and knew this was about a midwife and burnout - I know this is going to be something important, topical and heavy.
I would include one short introductory paragraph (literally a sentence) just saying hey, I'm writing to you because I know you like [customising detail], so here's a [memoir/work of non-fiction collection of stories]. During the class, I thought this was a memoir, but I now see other stories are included. I was a little confused by 'inspirational' - is this another word for fictional or do you mean something else?
I think the first paragraph packs a lot of punches, but they get a little lost in the long sentences. I suggest tightening it up, something like this:
Dear so-and-so,
Because I know you are looking for hard-hitting memoirs with heart, I'm writing to you seeking representation for my non-fiction collection of stories, BIRTH RITE, chronicling the big problem no one's talking about.
Today, in the United States, birth is more unsafe than it was a generation ago. Black women are 3-4 times more likely to die than white women because of race alone, and 80% of these deaths are preventable. Over half of the women in this country no longer have access to bodily autonomy. After a decade of being a Midwife in the Bronx, this crisis drove me to burnout, like 45% of my colleagues. I was forced to walk away from the career I loved, as a shell of my former self.
Again, this is just my idea, if it points you in a helpful direction. You come across passionate, and extremely credible in both writing and midwifery, so GO YOU for this. I feel like this is bound to go somewhere and I can feel your frustration! Keep at it!
Oof!! This is SO good. Thank you! And I'm glad to hear you like the title. I have been working with "Small Part of Infinity" for so long that it feels comfortable, but is right!? And I just think it doesn't convey the urgency of the crisis as much as Birth Rite (or Birth Rights). I'll trim down that opening line because I also fear it leads the agent into thinking that the book is very reported, but really its more spiritual/story telling.
The other thing you touch-on about genre is something I've been struggling with a lot. Inspirational memoir apparently is when the author tells their own life story (of triumph) for entertainment and/or for the benefit of the reader (I literally had to look that definition up because I didn't know either haha). Which, yes is part of my structure, but I also have myth, share personal journal entries, provide some info about birth and spirituality etc. So, I think the structure is closest to a memoir-in-essays, which is why I attempted the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class to give a sense of the material since I can't do a plot-by-plot portrayal. All that to say my constant question of "what is the story" to others is often because I can't answer that question for my own! Well, I can't answer what the structure is so clearly haha. Thanks again :)
I agree. Daniela and Sarah provided great feedback. I would echo that it feels more organized, easier to "see" the book and the journey, if that makes sense. I know that letting go of a title is tough, but I really like this new one. Simple, clean, says a lot in a few words. As for genre, and I am obviously no genre expert, as I'd been calling mine a hybrid memoir and that wasn't right for me. But now, that feels right to me for your work. In my book, I have excerpts from letters and diaries and share some horse "history," but what I don't have is what you have. For example, professional insight/stats on birth. It feels hybrid to me. And your plot, if I'm reading correctly, is the journey. The inciting incident was the moment on the train. You reached a tipping point. Then you go back to say what led up to that and, I'm guessing, include info about all the sad statistics, which to you, weren't statistics. These are real people, real trauma, lived trauma. Then it's, well, what were you going to do next? I'd guess ups and downs, different roads taken.. until you found the path you needed to be on to start fresh. For me, that's enough plot. There is suspense in not knowing what's going to happen to you along the way, where your research will lead you, what it will uncover. I'm so intrigued by the phases and how one will connect to the next. Apologies if this isn't helping but hope it shows you that it's got me thinking! Got me curious! But again.. what Sarah and Daniela said. I second.
Hi, everyone,
Here goes nothing. My reworked query letter. I'd love to get your thoughts. Thank you in advance for your time!
Dear [Agent First Name],
Given your interest in unique memoirs [insert personal note], I’d like to share my 91,000-word mixed-genre memoir THE BRAT AND THE BULLFIGHTER. Crafted with elements of fiction, it weaves together the coming-of-age stories of both a horse and a human, told from alternating perspectives. Imagine a contemporary twist on Black Beauty meets cult favorite My So-Called Life.
Artilheiro, a spirited Lusitano stallion, dreams of becoming a bullfighter. Yet, as he journeys from his breeding farm in Brazil to an exclusive Florida auction and private ranch in California, he begins to realize his fate is beyond his control. Along the way, a revolving door of riders chips away at his innate confidence, replacing it with insecurity and mistrust. His path mirrors my own transformation from an introverted Army brat, buffeted by countless relocations, into a bolder woman, largely thanks to horses. Our intertwined narratives explore shared struggles with identity, loss, and displacement, as well as the profound human-animal bond and enduring power of love, resilience, and finding home.
Black Beauty was written as an animal rights manifesto two centuries ago and yet today, people still treat horses as machines. Even fortunate horses, such as Artilheiro, suffer daily psychological trauma when misunderstood, misjudged, and mislabeled. My passion is to advocate for greater empathy toward these magnificent creatures and their mental well-being.
Likewise, I’m passionate about shedding light on the often-tumultuous Army brat experience. Despite 15 million military brats in the U.S., including Reese Witherspoon, Annie Leibovitz, and Michael Stipe, our stories are conspicuously absent from the market. My book will help fill this gap.
I have owned horses for 24 years and written for high-tech companies for 26, with articles appearing in SecurityWeek and Security Magazine. Additionally, I’ve taken public speaking and writing courses through Stanford Continuing Studies, as well as attended master classes at the Kauai Writers Conference in 2018, 2019, and 2023. Similar to the human-horse connections depicted in Chosen by a Horse (Susan Richards) and Horse Crazy (Sarah Maslin Nir), my book will resonate with readers who understand the healing power of horses or have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider.
Thank you for your consideration.
Erin
This is a lovely idea and I remember Courtney being really moved when you mentioned that one point of view was that of a horse. Some of my best memories from my teen years are the summer weeks I spent at my grandfather’s Colorado ranch, mostly sketching horses and communing with them for hours in a field. Which is to say, I’m in. A little initial feedback.
1. I struggled with “twist” and “meets” both being used in the second sentences. It feels like a mashup of two different phrases. Might be stronger sentence if you cut “twist on.”
2. I was really in to the description of Artiheiro’s life but then felt like he was left hanging on the word “mistrust.” I know you said his journey was similar to yours and that yours turned out well, but I would have loved some sense of where his life goes (especially given the coming of age idea). I don’t mean you need to add much. Just wanted a hint.
3. This is almost the same point, but I was really hoping that human and horse ended up together. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be obvious or if we’re supposed to wait and find out.
4. The public speaking bit in the last paragraph hit me a little like a line in a CV. Think your bio might be a stronger without, just because it isn’t really connected to anything else in the letter.
I’m so jealous that you already have your comps figured out. Your letter is good in any case, so take what’s useful and forget the rest.
Thank you so much, Daniela. Love that you have those memories of your grandfather's ranch. How idyllic!
On each of your points:
1. Done and done! You are so right.
2/3. Previous versions (of course) have made it more evident that yes, horse and human meet and ultimately, each saves the other. But then was told my letter was too long, which is on me to figure out how to get it all into the ~350 words or less. There were a zillion different iterations but the gist was that I started the story with something like this:
"Well-bred and well-traveled, the bullfighter Artilheiro was out of my league. I fell in love at first sight, not knowing he would become my reason for living. We were born in different hemispheres and decades apart, but our lives seemed intertwined before we met. As an Army brat, I lived in two countries, five states, and nine houses before age ten. By the same age, Artilheiro lived in two countries, three states, and countless barns. Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse."
4. It's been removed! I had only just added that, feeling as if maybe my bio was lacking, needed some sort of boost, but at the same time, it felt forced, weird. So, thank you!
The comps have changed quite a bit, if that makes you feel any better. ;)
I've got more work to do, but wanted to acknowledge your great feedback!
Erin, I know this is subjective, but to me, the other letter is much more moving and beautiful. I'd cut the second sentence which is a little too superlative. But this is stellar "Not because he was a runaway, but because he was a horse." I think that sentence does in a much more succinct and powerful way, what the entire Black Beauty paragraph does in the letter you first posted.
I'd keep this older version and integrate the good parts from your new letter. For instance: "Well-bred and well-traveled, the Lusitano stallion, Artilheiro, was out of my league." I'm suggesting that because I'd find it a little confusing to say he is a bullfighter rather than he wants to be one.
It's going to be a great letter. Get us a new draft!
Brava! Looking forward to reading this.
Tooks notes along the way. I can see the cover in my mind!! So I know you're off to a good start. Just my two cents. Take what you will from the thoughts below. :)
—include the info about the army brat up top? It feels a bit surprising to read about later and adds a lot of context to your title and genre-choice
—maybe “imagined perspective” for the POV of the horse instead of “elements of fiction”. I think it’s important to say why Artilheiro parallels your own coming of age story right up front. It’s a moving, but unconventional? approach, to use the perspective of a horse to speak to your own story, so I think the purpose of that needs to be more clear
—perhaps the current comps should be put up front to show its relevance right away? Also, have you read Year of the Horses by Courtney? It speaks to the coming of age themes and reverences to horses quite well
—did you own or have a lot of contact with Arthilheiro? Or is he completely made up?
—I really like the intro to Artilheiro, but I think we need more of your story here. I appreciate you’re identifying the themes of your coming of age, but what are some plot points that bring us through them and how do they play on the horse’s experience as well?
—I think you would be really well-served by the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class because I’m not quite sure what to expect over 91k words. If we had a brief understanding of the “ride” (haha) you take us on, the whole query would come together more clearly.
—the information about Black Beauty and the unfortunate mistreatments of horses is very well-stated, but I’m not sure it adds much to the query. Can this perhaps be drawn out as the stakes for Artilheiro’s story? Something like “for centuries horses have been treated as machines, and all Artilherio wanted was to see his dream of becoming a bullfighter come true. Now he’s realizing his whole life he’s just been misunderstood, mislabeled and mistreated. Can he get pass this loss of identity and heal from the psychological trauma of his youth?” (or something to that effect!)
—the famous army brat intel is definitely intriguing and I can see how it would appeal to agents! I would pop that up to the top as part of your comps/placement in the market
—I think your last line about “the healing power of horses when you have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider” is really powerful and should be at the end of your plot summary. (I think this is the violin line? If not, you should use it as such!)
Overall, I can see you have SO MUCH passion for this project and it sounds like its a really compelling, interesting story! I think, as it stands, I’m just not getting a lot of the structure and the plot that brings us through your experience.
I wonder if writing a query (mainly just the synopsis sections) for the storyline of Artilheiro and then writing one for your memoir individually would help you see how you can talk about plot between the two in one, combined letter. Just a suggestion! I want to pull my hair out with one letter, so I probably would toss my computer in the bin if I needed to write two haha.
Hi Allison,
As with Daniela's, I'm so touched by the time and consideration put into this feedback. I realize I have to pull my letter apart and put it back together based on all of this, which has been so helpful. I am so close (too close) to this book and your comments are helping me see the gaps, realize "of course they wouldn't know that!"
Your points, and my attempts at answers!
—include the info about the army brat up top? It feels a bit surprising to read about later and adds a lot of context to your title and genre-choice.
Got it!! I'd had this in other iterations and great feedback on the surprise.
—maybe “imagined perspective” for the POV of the horse instead of “elements of fiction”. I think it’s important to say why Artilheiro parallels your own coming of age story right up front. It’s a moving, but unconventional? approach, to use the perspective of a horse to speak to your own story, so I think the purpose of that needs to be more clear.
This book was an evolution. It was initially only his story; the memoir idea came later, after I was asked “why” I was writing it, and it was consequently suggested, “I think your story needs to be here, too.” (So, another year of writing later...)
So, to be clear, Artilheiro tells his story, and I tell mine (in alternating chapters), and (spoiler alert) when I end up bringing him home, our two POVs become intertwined within single chapters. (I'd previously had a line, "Just when I believe I'm the one saving Artilheiro, the tables turn. But the way I'd written it felt stilted, jarring. Hmmph).
—perhaps the current comps should be put up front to show its relevance right away? Also, have you read Year of the Horses by Courtney? It speaks to the coming of age themes and reverences to horses quite well.
I did indeed read Courtney’s book! Loved it! It’s how I ended up taking the workshop, and I’ve considered using her book as a comp, but go back and forth. Comps are so hard and I second guess everything. I know that Chosen by a Horse is older, but I’ve had folks tell me to put at least one SUPER well known one in there.
—did you own or have a lot of contact with Arthilheiro? Or is he completely made up?
Artilheiro is a very real horse (I’ve now owned him for 10 years), and much of his story in the book is based on fact. The fictionalized parts come where I didn’t have details. For example, his earliest days in Brazil. I created his world there, but also, based it on what others have imagined happened to him there. I also did research on international quarantined, interviewed folks who were at his auction. My friend owns the California ranch (and while some characters are composites/fictionalized, his story arc is true).
—I really like the intro to Artilheiro, but I think we need more of your story here. I appreciate you’re identifying the themes of your coming of age, but what are some plot points that bring us through them and how do they play on the horse’s experience as well?
Plot… that evil word. 😉
—I think you would be really well-served by the XYZ thing Courtney talked about in class because I’m not quite sure what to expect over 91k words. If we had a brief understanding of the “ride” (haha) you take us on, the whole query would come together more clearly.
I’ve obviously been struggling with this. Brief… that other evil word. 😉 How to do this in ~350 words? I'm stumped, but know that people do it all the time.
—the information about Black Beauty and the unfortunate mistreatments of horses is very well-stated, but I’m not sure it adds much to the query. Can this perhaps be drawn out as the stakes for Artilheiro’s story? Something like “for centuries horses have been treated as machines,
Oh! I see what you did there. And I like the edit!
and all Artilherio wanted was to see his dream of becoming a bullfighter come true. Now he’s realizing his whole life he’s just been misunderstood, mislabeled and mistreated. Can he get pass this loss of identity and heal from the psychological trauma of his youth?” (or something to that effect!)
And this is interesting too. Going to give this a think.
—the famous army brat intel is definitely intriguing and I can see how it would appeal to agents! I would pop that up to the top as part of your comps/placement in the market
😊
—I think your last line about “the healing power of horses when you have been uprooted and made to feel like an outsider” is really powerful and should be at the end of your plot summary. (I think this is the violin line? If not, you should use it as such!)
I have been struggling with the violin line. So, thank you for this tip.
Overall, I can see you have SO MUCH passion for this project and it sounds like its a really compelling, interesting story! I think, as it stands, I’m just not getting a lot of the structure and the plot that brings us through your experience.
I wonder if writing a query (mainly just the synopsis sections) for the storyline of Artilheiro and then writing one for your memoir individually would help you see how you can talk about plot between the two in one, combined letter. Just a suggestion! I want to pull my hair out with one letter, so I probably would toss my computer in the bin if I needed to write two haha.
Too funny. Why I decided to do this as a “debut” effort is beyond me… until I think of the why: Above all, this is a love story. I was compelled to write it, even if only my friends and family ever read it. BUT, I do have a synopsis of the entire book. I’m gonna dig up and see if I can’t pilfer some plot points.
Thank you again so very much!!!!
Erin
Also, I love what you said about the cover! Would you mind sharing?